Archives for the month of: July, 2015

Warning this post may contain more spelling and grammatical errors than usual

I am sleep deprived.  Been a tough week full of unexpected joys and stresses.  Spent one sleepless night and many restless ones this week.  On top of that, nearing the end of an energy cycle, so already feeling sleep deprived.

Sleep Deprived

Recovery work takes a lot of energy whether you are low-functioning, functioning, or high-functioning (like me).  For people who consider themselves normal, any kind of excess stress over a long period of time can feel this way.  For survivors, the “excess stress” and work to manage and cope while living and working is their version of normal.  Not surprising that many feel tired all the time and will sometimes crash into a period of sleep or rest for no apparent (to outsiders) reason.

Live Independently or Dependent on Someone Else

I, we, chose to live independently,  That means:

  • not taking medication
  • not self-medicating with drugs, alcohol, food, cigarettes, (something I missed here)
  • Not letting my family or friends take care of me when I have a panic attack or get so tired I can’t move

No offense intended to those who can and want to let others care for them when this happens.  I learned a long time ago that taking care of myself was much safer and healthier than letting others take care of me.

We don’t have to worry about:

  • shaming and blaming tactics for “getting sick” and being weak
  • punishment for not accomplishing daily tasks
  • guilt for taking up someone else’s valuable time and space; being a burden
  • negative criticism about being weak and stupid and lazy like our mother
  • pity and condescension from outsiders for always being “sick” and “irresponsible”
  • vulnerable and unable to protect ourselves from the monsters

Precautions

  • At times like this, my parts and I have a plan.  It goes something like this:
  • Inform supervisor and relevant co-workers that I am tired and not feeling like myself lately
  • Increase the self-care – eat more, take more breaks, keep multiple coping strategies and techniques on hand, make sure the house is relatively clean and stocked with food, use sleep hygiene routine, call hotline for help
  • Keep items and thoughts that help me feel safe close by
  • Prepare to take a sick day
  • Make sure I remember to email supervisor if I take a sick day
  • Stay close to home; wear comfortable shoes and keep my phone handy if I go out

When I Crash

Usually that means I sleep for 12-20 hours with breaks for food or hygiene.  Or I am awake, but unable to leave the house because of muscle cramps, stiffness, and pain.  So I move slowly and rest a lot at home.  I rest when I can, sleep when I can, and move when I have to.  I keep busy with books and movies, knitting, cooking, or sometimes doing nothing at all.  Eventually, my body feels better, the tension leaves, my muscles relax.  I am not so tired anymore.  And I go back to my “normal” life.

So here you have it – my plans for the weekend.  Hope yours is much more interesting.

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Necessary But Not Sufficient

All of us:

Coping strategies and techniques are resources.  The more you learn, the more help you can access.  Therapy, programs, medicine, etc. are resources. Asking for help widens your support system; another way to find potential resources.

Angora:

Meeting basic needs is a resource.  Taking care of physical, emotional, and spiritual health is a resource.  Practicing basic hygiene is a resource.  Discovering and implementing ways to feel safe are resources.

Sunni:

Human characteristics like resilience, courage, intelligence, creativity, persistence, flexibility, acceptance, tolerance, and respect are resources.

All of us:

One is not enough.  How many is enough?  Is there such a thing as too much?

Dawn-to-Dusk & Breezy:

My therapist says that one resource is not a cure-all.  It takes practice and use of many resources to create a solution.  Many times when we reach a wall in therapy, it is because a new aspect of my trauma history has been revealed.  We brainstorm together and separately.  She asks her resources, and I research information.

Sienna:

And when I get frustrated, she reminds me that one resource or many resources, it does not matter.  The more knowledge you have, the better your chances of finding a solution.  What I know, everything I have learned so far is necessary but not sufficient.

Blue, Purple, & Silence:

I like to draw and play in the quiet room.  I like to run and help the adults with protection.  I like to use the catapults and the bubbles.

All of us:

No one individual or resource has all of the answers.  Change is inevitable so we have to adapt to them in order to move on.  Sometimes that is easy.  Most of the time, it sucks.  We tried going it alone for a while.  And we tried having a support network and resources to help when we stumble.  Guess which option worked better?

It has taken a long time for all of us to accept this.  Asking for help is scary.  Accepting help is scarier.  Trusting someone else with inner thoughts and safety is probably scariest.  It took me eleven years to get where I am now.  Some of my parts are in the same place.  Others are not.

And we are nowhere near finished with the recovery journey.

Questions for Readers:

How long will it take you?  Are you willing to persist in spite of the road blocks and relapses?  Will you keep an open mind?  Will you learn to trust yourself one day?

I hope the answers are yes someday, if not now.

When I was a kid I liked watching The Incredible Hulk on TV – not the cartoon, but the sitcom version.  It always amazed me how the mild mannered scientist turned into a monster and a hero when he lost his temper.  And in learning to live with his inner monster, he became a better human.

Fast forward about 20 years, and the Marvel comes out with the first Avengers movie.  In that movie, the scientist explains how he learned to control The Hulk: by always being angry and not shutting out his feelings.

My name is Darkness.  I am one of the few make parts in this system who grew up with the other adults.  Sometimes I forget my age and go back to being a child or teen.  Other times, I feel older than dirt.  And before we started using ISF to communicate, I was like the scientist before he learned the secret to controlling The Hulk.

These days, I am much better about not taking out the anger on innocents.  But sometimes, I forget that I am innocent too.  I turn the anger on myself.  That hurts everyone in the system.  And brings me to my knees with shame.

I used to take over and force us into scary, dangerous situations.  And I used to hurt people, not on purpose, because I did not know my physical strength.  Verbalizing is not something I learned, so I write instead.  Or I share images with the other parts.

It got to the point where the adults who interacted with outsiders avoided contact with everyone because no one knew what would set me off.  And I am extremely protective of my internal family.  But I did not know the difference between “safe” and unsafe” touch or contact then.  So I  attacked everyone on the outside.  Even friends and people who tried to help.

Our female body does not stop me.  The one greatest gift our donors gave us was education in martial arts and self-defense.  I remember every lesson and every technique we learned.  Some memories are fuzzy.  Others are clear.  The other guys and girls who remember workout with me on the inside.  We teach the kids and each other to prepare for attacks.

But we hardly ever use the physical body because that triggers body memories we can’t fight.  Feelings we can’t handle yet.  And anger so intense all I want to do is murder the monsters and blow them up to ash so they can’t regenerate.  As you can imagine, this kind of revenge anger is toxic.  And for a while, the rage took over our life.  It was uncontrollable.

We all thought we were going crazy.  I tried to make it stop by locking myself in a prison.  So did the other parts with uncontrollable rage.  Then I tried to make the memories go away.  It wasn’t until the second therapist and the first program stint that we all learned about anger management and emotion regulation.

That helped with the emotional part, but not the physical part.  The body memories weren’t connected to the cognitive memories then.  And every time a button got pushed, both memories got triggered into flashbacks. And our body instinctively lashed out with physical violence.  Our mouth used verbal and emotional violence.

Our current therapist helped us learn to sit with our feelings and body sensations instead of trying to control them.  The goal is acknowledge, accept, let go, move on.  Like the scientist and The Hulk – stop denying the feelings and learn to live with them.  Most of the time this is true.

But I have trouble controlling my anger when the body memories hit.  I see and hear and feel the others hurting and feel helpless to stop the pain.  My goal now is to figure out how to work with body memories in a safe way.  That means integrating physical activity into our lives.

Because acting like the Hulk after he got his temper and rages under control is a good goal to work on.  Being able to share safe physical contact with friends and connections (maybe a lover for the sexual female alters too) is our ultimate hope.

Coping Techniques Explained

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

The first effective coping technique I learned in therapy was cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).  The psychologist used this to help with my original diagnosis: clinical depression with anorexia nervosa and generalized anxiety disorder.  Practicing this taught me how to identify emotions and negative thinking patterns so I could change them.  The psychologist also taught me how my emotions and thoughts influenced my behavior.  By changing one, I could change the others.

Self-Help Books, Websites, etc.

The next group of techniques came from a series of books.  Working through lessons in the books taught me how to identify triggers, calm myself down when I felt the anxiety, relax, and refocus on the present.  By using those strategies, I could recognize patterns in my behavior and work to stop self-harm behaviors by using different coping strategies instead.  They helped me find new and creative ways to apply my CBT skills and improve on existing skills like meditation and deep breathing too.  I have a list of my favorite self-help resources here.

Caveats for self-help resources:

  • These resources are guides, not substitutes for qualified professional assistance
  • They can provide factual information, lessons for learning the basic techniques, and useful suggestions
  • They cannot solve your problems and make the issues go away
  • Not all resources are created equal; be wary of anything you read and/or listen to, especially if the resource claims it can solve your your problem
  • If you get frustrated or don’t understand, it’s not your fault.  This may be a good time to reach out and find other supports to assist you on the recovery path.
  • Finally, read, visit, or listen to multiple information sources on the same topic before deciding which techniques to use

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT)

The third coping technique I learned was dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT).  The creator of this therapy is a survivor and renowned therapist named Marsha Linehan.  Ms. Linehan has Borderline Personality Disorder and created DBT to help her cope with overwhelming emotions and her reactions to them.  I use DBT for feelings of anger, shame, and guilt.  And to help me cope with body memories.  My parts use DBT to help with distress tolerance and emotion regulation that comes from being triggered into flashbacks and nightmares all the time.

If you haven’t noticed already, my internal and external lives are very different with their own perspectives, priorities, and experiences.  Living on the inside and the outside simultaneously requires cooperation and compromise from everyone involved.  It also requires a lot of trust and the development of a system to keep our internal world functional and running smoothly.  That brings me to the final coping technique addressed in this post: Internal Family Systems.

Internal Family Systems (IFS) Model

We are lucky because we are all aware of each other and want to live a full, enjoyable, healthy life together.  That means we work together and help each other instead of working against each other and hurting each other.  We feel safe enough to ask for help, to set individual and group boundaries, and to use open communication to address problems instead of holding it in or casting blame.  Not everyone with DID is that lucky.

I learned about IFS from my current therapist and started using it actively in 2012.  The main point of IFS is that every part has a voice and gets heard.  On the inside, all important decisions are made by committee using 1) majority vote; or 2) unanimous vote.  We have also created a “family hierarchy” of sorts so that everyone shares essential chores and responsibilities equal to their age, developmental stage, and ability.  For example, adults take on adult responsibilities like work, transportation, finances, etc.  Adolescents have chores, responsibilities, and time to explore.  Children get to be children and have chores to complete every day.

We all work together to establish and maintain communication lines.  We all have to compromise and find solutions that work for the system when flashbacks and other symptoms threatens to overwhelm us.  We are all responsible for making good choices, working together, making our internal and external worlds safe, and learning coping strategies to weather the ups and downs of recovery.  Especially when parts get stuck in the past, trapped by traumatic memories (monsters), or lost and get triggered to the point of using automatic defense mechanisms and self-harm to cope.

Without learning and using IFS, none of us would be in the healthy, safe, happy place that allows us to share this information on the blog and the website.

Other Info

Here is a list of some other useful coping techniques.  I do not mention them above because they require assistance from an experienced mental health provider to be most effective.

  • Hypnotherapy
  • EMDR
  • Sensorimotor Psychotherapy
  • Trauma sensitive yoga and other types of moving meditation

Medication

Medication is not a coping technique or strategy I use except under certain conditions:

  • Not sleeping for 36 or more hours
  • Intense physical pain that keeps me awake and unable to move
  • Real physical illness like a cold or the flu

I choose not to use medication because medication makes me physically ill.  I am extremely chemical sensitive and will get the side effects from even the smallest doses (the 1 in 1,000 or 1 in 100 person described in the small print).

This does not mean I am against using medication.  If medication works, please use it.  But don’t expect to see many posts about the benefits of medication as a healthy coping strategy here.  I cannot speak to that topic and work hard not to pass judgement or bias readers for or against any strategies here.

Challenges in not using self-harm as a coping strategy

There are many challenges to stopping self-harm.  The ones listed below are what I have to deal with most often:

Finding Effective Substitutions

Before I started therapy, anorexia, self-harm, dissociation, and switching were the only effective coping techniques in my tool box.  I used them relentlessly to block out the monsters in my mind.  And when that did not work, I isolated myself and developed OCD type rituals.

Therapy, partial programs, and a lot of personal research with books (and then the Internet) taught me a lot of useful coping techniques to help me understand that I did have feelings and how to safely express them in a healthy way.  The four main techniques I use are:

  • Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
  • Self-Help Workbooks like: The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook, The PTSD Handbook, and The Anorexia Workbook
  • Dialectical Behavior Therapy
  • Internal Family Systems Therapy

I use “technique” here because each behavior, or group of behaviors, can be learned and used alone or in combination to create effective coping strategies tailored to individual needs.

Breaking Habits

According to scientific research (multiple sources), habits are easy to create and difficult to stop.  A habit can form after a few repetitions.  Breaking a habit can take a at least a month or longer.  Some habits are easy to break.  Others are not.  An addiction is more difficult to break than a habit.

When does a habit or a routine become an addiction?  I honestly don’t know.  But that is less important than understanding the how and why the habit or addiction was formed.  And what purpose it serves in one’s life.

A habit becomes an addiction when the habit starts to take over my life.  When all I can think about is the next opportunity to hurt myself,  Most of the time I used self-harm to help me feel in control of my environment while also distracting me from overwhelming emotions and extreme pain.  The anorexia nervosa was the worst one.  I started that when I was six years old and didn’t start recovery until I was twenty-one.  Twelve years later, I am officially recovered, or in remission.  Like alcoholism, an eating disorder never really goes away.  Relapse is always possible.

These days, my only self-harm habits are food and skin-related: scratching, clumsiness causing bruises, tearing at my nails, eating food that makes me feel  sick afterwards, etc.  And they only come out during a combination of the following situations:

  • feeling unsafe
  • backlash
  • anniversaries
  • bad triggers
  • body memories
  • emotional overload

Any one of these by themselves might cause me to use or feel the urge to use self-harm, but often do not.

I have a variety of strategies to help me when the urges come now.  Most of the time they work.  And when they don’t, I work hard to minimize the backlash that comes with using self-harm.

Relapse Backlash

These broad categories are based on my experiences and discussions with therapists. Please remember that as you read this section.

Anyone who has ever relapsed or failed at something has experienced the negative emotions and thoughts that come with a setback (aka mistake).  Some people and move past these easily because they learned positive, healthy ways to cope from role models.

Others pretend these feelings don’t exist, put them away someplace and forget (or try) their existence; then these people put on a “brave face” and work harder, obsess over mistakes and solutions, to ensure success the next time.  They acknowledge the failure without blaming their sense of self; might or might not hold grudges; and often will try again or decide the task is not worth the time and effort so move on.

Then their are people like me (and maybe you too), survivors who for some reason or other (and to different degrees) have been taught that they do not have feelings; every setback is a failure because they, the human, is a failure and will never succeed; and success is not real success because their is always something wrong with how the task was accomplished; nothing they do is right or good enough, will ever be right or good enough.  And they always get punished for failure.

Backlash is just that: punishment for failure.  Self-inflicted or other-inflicted, it does not matter.  What matters is that some people are compelled to punish themselves for failure of any kind.  Often that punishment is physical; sometimes it is emotional or spiritual or a combination of these.

But punishing oneself for lapsing or relapsing starts a downward spiral back into addictive self-harm behaviors.  I know because I am struggling not to punish myself for relapsing over the last few weeks.

Alters

Many times, my parts and I are co-conscious.  This means we are all aware of what is happening around us – not a complete switch in personalities.  And different parts can/will take control of our body while someone else is in charge of speaking and interacting with outside people.

Many of my alters do not feel like other coping strategies are as effective of as what they already know and turn to like a blankie.  Or they are very young/old and have difficulty remembering the other strategies and techniques under stress.  If they remember the strategies and techniques, they also have to remember how to use them.

Teaching my child parts, adolescent parts, adult parts, and ageless parts these techniques while also working full time, managing day-to-day life, and writing this blog takes a lot of time, patience, and practice.  We practice when we can; try to treat ourselves gently, with compassion and empathy, when there is a set-back or a mistake.

Because it is never failure.  It is always an opportunity to learn.

Finding effective support with therapy

There are a lot of resources available for learning these techniques.  Therapy is not required.  Neither is participation in a program or a group.  But if you are like I was when I first started, working with a professional can help you learn these techniques while providing a safety net to help cope with the backlash, emotions, or memories that can appear as you move through this process.

What is self-harm or self-injury?

Most people think of self-harm as something physical, like cutting, that leaves visible scars.  Or something drastic like a suicide attempt.  But would you consider overeating, not taking prescribed medication per instructions, or being clumsy self-harm?

Self-harm is a coping strategy to help deal with emotional suffering.  The point is to “express feelings you can’t put into words, distract from your life, or release emotional pain.” (from helpguide.org).  And that the depth and severity of the scars is equal to the internal suffering.  The website http://www.helpguide.org has great articles about self-harm that helped me understand that even though I wasn’t cutting, abusing drugs & alcohol, or putting myself in the hospital, I was still practicing self-harm.

Types of Self-Harm from helpguide.org

  • putting yourself in dangerous situations
  • driving recklessly
  • binge drinking
  • taking too many drugs
  • having unsafe sex

My Definition of Self-Harm

Engaging in any thoughts or behaviors that cause harm and/or injury to the physical, emotional, and spiritual self.

This includes:

  • negative self-talk – verbally abusive or encouraging to hurt self/others
  • putting myself in unsafe situations where I know the person I interact with is going to emotionally hurt me
  • walking alone in dangerous parts of the city late at night
  • scratching and picking at my skin, nose, ears, mouth
  • ripping my nails and hang nails until they bleed
  • having lots of “accidents”
  • maintaining friendships and relationships with people who treat me badly and work hard to make me feel bad about myself
  • Not eating or sleeping on purpose
  • Relapsing into anorexia and losing weight
  • spending money on stuff I don’t want
  • eating food that makes me feel sick afterwards

Why did I practice self-harm?

  1. I practiced for three reasons:
  2. to feel like I had some control over my life (anorexia nervosa)
  3. to express feelings and thoughts I couldn’t say out loud but had to release in some way
  4. to punish myself for having these feelings and thoughts

Why do I continue?

  • Self-harm works in the short term
  • Self-harm is addicting and hard to stop once started
  • Self-harm is so ingrained in my mind and body that I start using it without consciously realizing it

Have I tried to stop?

Yes.  But stopping is difficult.  And “giving in” to the self-harm urge brings up feelings of shame, guilt, self-hatred, etc. afterwards.  That starts a downward spiral of its own.  But most important, teaching myself and my parts to be conscious of triggers takes time and persistence.

Many times I used self-harm when I was dissociated so I didn’t remember all of it.  Other times, the self-harm was so ingrained that I unconsciously used that first.  Would not realize I used self-harm until after I finished.  That still happens now, especially when I am sleeping or tired or switching a lot.

Now that I am not in a dissociative state as much, I try to find substitutions for self-harm coping strategies.  And I use those instead.  But sometimes they don’t work.  Sometimes nothing but self-harm will help in the immediate short term because I desperately need relief and cannot use anything else.

How?

I try to be more aware of my triggers and notice when the self-harm starts so I can stop and use a substitute coping strategy that does not cause harm.  I also talk through episodes with my therapist to brainstorm ideas.  Or I call a hotline for assistance to brainstorm ideas or process the feelings that trigger self-harm.

Reader’s Digest

Self harm is a coping strategy many survivors use for a variety of reasons.  I started using this strategy as a child.  My parts have been using it just as long.  Most of us work hard not to use self-harm anymore.  But sometimes, the substitutions don’t work.  Or I am not aware of the triggering event so do not realize I am using self-harm.  Or that my parts are using self harm.

Helpguide.org has many useful articles and resources to explain this more in depth.  And offer strategies for not using self-harm as a coping strategy anymore.

What is sleep hygiene?

Sleep Hygiene is a term used to define a consistent set of tasks one completes before going to sleep as to help relax and prepare the mind and body for sleeping.  Medical doctors and sleep research specialists recommend changing one’s environment and surrounds to be more sleep-friendly as part of the sleep hygiene routine.  They also have a research-based list of tasks proven to help one sleep.

Mental health providers include the medical doctor and sleep research checkilst, but are more flexible about what is included or not included in the routine.  They believe the routine can be flexible as long as it is consistent and tailored to the individual.  Some examples include, changing from work clothes to home clothes, hanging up clothes, cooking a meal, watching a movie/reading a book, exercising, making a plan for the next day, meditation, and cleaning.

How does it help?

  • A routine can soothe anxiety because the tasks and the process of completing a task from start to finish is ritualized and occurs around the same time every day.
  • Focusing on one task at a time uses mindfulness techniques and engages the senses; that helps keep the mind and body grounded in the present.
  • As each task or ritual is completed, the individual feels a sense of accomplishment and gets immediate gratification/positive feedback that builds confidence and provides a sense of competence.
  • Going through the sleep hygiene routine relaxes the mind and body as the individual moves around the space and remembers that this room is in a safe environment.  Feeling safe helps relax the anxiety so that sleep can come easier.

My Experience

I learned about sleep hygiene from The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook first.  This book was recommended by my second therapist – one who specialized in anxiety and eating disorders.  After she recommended me to the first parital program, I learned more about relaxing rituals, coping strategies, meditation, self-care, and other tasks that can be included in a sleep hygiene routine.

Setting up the routine was easy enough at first.  Sticking to it, though, was difficult.  At the time I first started, I would switch and dissociate without remembering what happened during lost time.  That included my plans for sleep hygiene routines, coping strategies, etc.  Frustrating does not begin to describe the situation.  But I kept trying.  And I learned to be flexible about my routine.  Some tasks had to happen.  Others I could skip if I felt tired, short on time, etc.

These days, I have 3 similar sleep hygiene routines for work days and 2 for weekends/time off.  Each routine has some core tasks and rituals that I always include.  And then, there are about 4 or 5 others I add or skip depending on how my day went.

My Core Routine:
  • Unlock and open my door*
  • Close the door; then turn on the lights*
  • Take off my shoes; put my purse and/or tote down*
  • Hang up my wallet; put coat in closet*
  • Change into comfortable clothes/hang up or lay flat to put away
  • Eat while watching a movie of reading
  • Turn on sleep sounds
  • Get comfortable in bed
  • Listen to the sounds as I fall asleep

For Days when I go to work or go out on weekends

Other Tasks and Rituals
  • Walking or mindfulness meditation
  • Visualization
  • Preparing my outfit for the next day
  • Having a glass of cold water before bed
  • Play time with my alters
  • Cooking a meal from scratch
  • Recite mantras/affirmations with my alters
  • Hot shower or bath
  • Work on my web site
  • Call the hotline
  • Write a blog post
  • Knit

Reader’s Digest

We all know sleep is important.  And sometimes falling asleep and staying asleep feels impossible.  Everyone has reasons for not sleeping.  Sometimes, the problem is medical and can be fixed by a doctor and a pill.  Sometimes, the cause is harder to define.  Nothing seems to work.

I and my parts are sometimes afraid to sleep. The nightmares and body memories wake us up sweating and scared.  Or the flashbacks and hyper-vigilance create tons of anxiety and adrenaline so our body can’t stop.  Not all of us are on the same sleep schedule.

With a lot of experimenting and persistence, we finally discovered a routine that helps us sleep better most of the time.  Because, like any other strategy, it won’t always work.  Or the existing routine won’t work as it is anymore.  That is why one or all of us change up parts when something feels off.  Or when our sleep patterns change.

GOOD MORNING, AFTERNOON, EVENING,

I am writing this the day after it happened.  Please excuse the spelling and grammar errors.  I am not as good at writing as some of the other parts or alters.  On the inside, we are a family system working together to create a unified self.  Each of us plays an important role in making sure our system functions well.  My job is to protect us from the rapists and torturers.

I know those males and females aren’t physically part of our life now.  The adults in our system work hard to keep us safe that way.  I am ageless.  So are my partners. Age is meaningless to us because it is not necessary to our jobs.  We protect and support the parts who struggle with the difficult memories.  They are often stuck in the past and don’t remember we are safe when the flashbacks and nightmares hit.

Yesterday was a unique experience.  My partners and I don’t usually spend time outside.  It’s scary and always changing.  But I came out yesterday morning.  A blond spider got into the house earlier in the week and kept scaring the child parts.

We kept seeing a shadow move out of the corner of our eye and couldn’t tell if it was real or fake.  Spiders in general tend to scare us.  The males and females who hurt us liked to put spiders on us and then scare the spiders into biting.  Being tied up or held down meant no escape from them.  Before that, no one had issues with spiders.  Now it’s different.  Years of spider torture took its toll on us.

So what happened?

The spider climbed onto our bed and then our body.  Most of us were sleeping.  Staying awake and keeping busy Saturday took a lot out of everyone.  But Some of the kids are early risers and were playing when they felt something climbing on their leg.  They tried to brush it off, but it wouldn’t go away.

Someone opened their eyes and saw a spider on us.  Maybe there was a scream.  Maybe just panic.  That part is blurry.  The kids panicked, and rolled around trying to get the spider off.  Someone ran to get help.  I took over and got the spider off, but not before it bit us on the leg hard enough to leave a penny-sized red welt.

Yes, we are allergic to spider bites. I grabbed the closest hard object and tried to kill it, but the blankets were too soft.  It ran off the bed and disappeared on to the floor.  I grabbed our slippers and left to find the electric bug zapper while other parts scrambled to comfort the kids and other distressed parts.

The spider bite sent most of us into panic mode. Adrenaline surged.  The not always human parts joined me in the spider hunt.  By now, no one would feel safe until that spider died.  So it had to die.  But the apartment suddenly heated up to boiling.  Sweat poured off our head and face like in a sauna.  And everything itched.

On the way back to our bedroom someone stopped and turned on the air conditioner.  Then we stumbled back to bed and passed out.  Why?  The adrenaline combined with anxiety and fear shut down our senses for a time.  Gives our body a break and time to relax until coordination and movement came back.

Soon as it did, the spider hunting continued.  I found it hanging on the open window and used electricity to zap it dead.  Unfortunately, the spider was on the other side of the screen when it curled up and died.  I shut the window to keep the cool air in and went back to sleep.

The caretakers took over and used some meditation and DBT techniques to help calm everyone down.  Then we took turns telling stories about how the brave young girls and boys grew up to be strong adults who fought evil.  Some stories got acted out as dramas; got told under starry skies.  And everyone took turns killing the evil spider monsters and the demons who created them.

This took most of the day.  I think the adults in charge woke us up 4 times after the spider bite to make sure we ate and used the bathroom.  And someone turned off the air conditoner.  One of us downloaded books and tried to read, but we were too tired to pay attention.

This morning, the adult in charge woke up and noticed the spider bite.  She didn’t know how it got there because last weekend was her vacation.  After we told her the story and how no one felt comfortable using the shower without supervision from someone in charge of body care, she found someone to help us out.

We took a hot shower and picked out nice clothes for work.  The spider bite stopped itching too.  All of us felt good about how this was handled.  No one got hurt.  There weren’t any accidents.  The meditation worked.  We survived the flashbacks, nightmares, and body memories of the day to still be able to work today.

So cool…I finally figured out why the last few posts had weird formatting.  Have to remember to share with the other posters

My first experience with this quote came from reading the Kate Daniels series by Ilona Andrews.  I love this series because the characters are tested and allowed to grow in spite of or because of their internal and external struggles to live in an uncertain world.  Happy ever after comes at a price, and these characters make choices throughout each book to define and fight for their happy ever after.

I read this quote and think about my internal conflict to work with my parts instead of against them to do what is best for all of us.  Each part of me likes to think about choices before deciding on a course of action.  This way, we are not in doubt and do not have regrets.

Choices are important to us.  Knowing we have choices lessens our fear of the unknown.  

And reminds us to believe in faith.

Having faith in a higher power feels wrong sometimes.  The people who raised us believed in the many versions of the one true God and His related religions.  I am skeptical of any organized religion.  My parts flat-out disbelieve in organized religion of any kind.

But we accept that not everyone feels this way and respect other people’s religious beliefs.

At times like this, when all of us on the inside are experiencing conflict, confusion, and fear, we all turn to our faith in the higher power.  The one who gave us our intelligence, strength, empathy, and resilience as children and showed us how to use them as we aged.

We are not religious in the traditional sense.  Sometimes the fear and rage overwhelm our good sense.  Then one of us gives in to the confusion and fear.  React without stopping to think first.  The only goal is to make “it” (fear, confusion, conflict) go away.  We don’t have any choices.  “It” is now in control of body and mind with only one goal: hurt anyone and everyone in both worlds out of revenge and hatred before everything dies.

Scary isn’t it?  The “it” is actually me, or all of us, believing what the abusers taught us to believe about ourselves.  And for a long time, that persona is who the outside world interacted with.  That persona is only a small part of all of us, one created to protect us and remind us of all the rules we needed to follow in order to survive.

And now, every part of me is breaking that rule…and the others beaten into us as children.  The backlash is horrible. It feels and acts differently because this time all parts are involved.  It used to be only one or a few parts were suffering, so our therapist could help the ones involved process the memories and move to a better place.  Eventually, we all learned to help each other move there in between therapy sessions because sometimes the time between sessions is too long to wait.

We are breaking the rules.  All of them.  And living by our values instead.  The punishment hurts.  There is no escape or distraction.  Not this time.  Not when everyone is experiencing the same feelings, thoughts, sensations.  And not when self-care, self-soothing, and all of the other coping strategies mentioned before bring more anxiety instead of relieving it.

So what to do?

I and my parts go to the one coping strategy that never fails us:

Spirituality or belief in a higher power

That means Buddhism for us.  For you, maybe it’s something else.  Buddhism offers choices and opportunities to learn as we challenge our thoughts and perspectives about everything while also teaching us how to cope with suffering.

Reader’s Digest

Right now I feel a soul deep anger combined with a fear of the unknown as I acknowledge my past and honor the experiences in every way before letting the memories and feelings go back to where they belong.  Remembering is hard because I and my parts still feel shame and hurt about the choices we had to make in order to survive.  Ivy Baker Priest (first quote) says it well.

For the first time ever, all 88 of us are feeling backlash at the same time.  We are breaking the rules beaten into us as children.  Rules for behavior, for thought, for living, for surviving.  They are not applicable anymore.  The pain that comes from breaking these rules comes out as fear, body memories, anger, shame, and hurt.  None of these are easy to let go of or soothe with traditional coping strategies.  So we turn to our faith in a higher power to help us get through.  That higher power is Buddhism.

Thich Nhat Hanh’s words and books help us a lot.  We hope they help you too.