Unedited post tonight…

Sometimes nothing works or works well enough to offer relief.  Every strategy, every technique, different variations cause frustration and sometimes resentment.  That was me yesterday and Friday.

I woke up Friday morning feeling suffocated, in pain, and unable to focus.  Three hours of different coping made the feelings come back worse each time, so I had to call in sick.  I slept most of the day, but it was disturbed sleep that made me feel more hypervigilant.

Saturday, I felt better and had to go out.  Taxes, work, appointments and so on were pushed off from Friday to Saturday.  Accomplishing the chores helped a lot to reduce some anxiety, but I still hurt and felt extreme hypervigilance.  Meditation and deep breathing did not work because I couldn’t allow myself to relax.  And the alters would not let me even if I did try.

We all felt wound up and overloaded.  Sleep and staying home were the most helpful if we could sleep and relax at home.  The hotline counselor took me (alters chimed in once in a while) through everything. Twice.  Finally she suggested a sedatice or sleep aid.

I explained about medication and side effects.  We discussed the pros and cons.  I decided to risk taking a regular dose of Tylenol.  It put me to sleep for 10 hours straight.  Then again for 4 hours at a time; only waking up for nutrition and bathroom breaks.

On the plus side, I got a few hours of restorative sleep.  On the minus side, I feel kind of hung over and disoriented.  Also sore and anxious now that the meds have worn off.

Took have a dose of regular strength Tylenol just now.  Hopefully, it gets me through the night.  I am lucky to work from home most of the week, so can catch up on missed time spent taking care of myself and still get work done.  

This is not the first time I had to use a last resort coping technique. It probably won’t be the last one either.  All I can say is that some relief is better than none.  And I would rather be mostly functional and independent in a limited capacity than taken put by my symptoms and stuck someplace dependent on others for my care because the drugs they gave me make my brain stop functioning.

Other people may feel differently.  That is fine as long as whatever choices the survivor makes end up helping in the long term too.  Going back to sleep now.

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