At least three times every year, I think about what life would be like if I got a companion, a pet cat or dog.  And each time, I get flashbacks to all of my “failures” in trying to care for myself and a pet.  Money is a big factor.  Nutrition, grooming, and physical activity are also factors.  I’ve convinced myself that I can’t successfully adopt a pet because of my limitations in being able to do basic cleaning, exercise, and home care for myself let alone another living being dependent on my being able to clean a litter box, clean up messes, prepare food, play with, leave alone for self-play, take on walks, and so on.

But the truth is I am scared.  As much as I want to have a companion, I am afraid I won’t be able to properly care for him or her.  Then the companion will die/disappear/get sick or injured because of my inadequacy and inferiority.  I won’t be able to keep my companion safe or trust my companion in my space unsupervised or discipline said companion without causing harm or getting physically hurt by the animal.  I don’t trust myself or the lessons I’ve learned about being a caretaker to do this alone.

And who would be willing to guide and teach me and be patient with the questions I have the fears that manifest when I have someone or something new in my environment that is out of my control?  And who can help both of us learn to trust the other when the dogs and cats can sense when I switch personalities.  And the switch scares most dogs and cats I come into contact with.  Personal experience talking there.

These thoughts and fears come up now because my Christmas wish has been the same for the last 20 years or so: to have someone or something in my life who loves me unconditionally, a companion to watch movies with, cuddle with, play with, and just be around sharing space while also being independent enough to understand and require alone time.  A cat or a dog sounds great right?

But right now, as much as I want a companion, I want to learn to sew and start graduate school more.  A busy lifestyle and a companion plus dealing with recovery issues make life very complicated.

I hope that someday my parts and I will feel very comfortable with each other and our self as a whole so that we can have at least one companion.  No one is ready for human roommates now (or maybe ever), so this would be the compromise.

Thanks for reading.

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