This is NOT a series of part 1, etc. in order. Like other categories I will share posts as they come to me.
DISCLAIMER: What you read here is my personal experience – as an individual, as a system of alter personalities, and as separate alter personalities. There are my and my alters’ thoughts, impressions, and experiences about how anger affects our mind, spirit and body. This IS NOT from a perspective of a therapist, counselor, or other professional who has helped in the past. Any information I share here is based on what I learned from them, but the words, thoughts, feelings, etc. ARE MY PERSPECTIVE AND OPINION.
Besides shame, anger has been a major force in my life. It causes me to go into rages sometimes. Rages where I don’t remember anything that happened until my mind clears and I am grounded in my body again. Rags where people (including me) get hurt.
It’s one of the main reasons I fear physical contact and normal social interactions with others. Before therapy, and not even until the last 2-3 years, I thought I was a monster who abused other people when they made me angry – it was like my evil twin broke free once my mind overloaded.
But only 2 emotions trigger this kind of rage: fear and protectiveness (aka survival instinct)
As an adult whose been in therapy for more than 10 years, I can cope with and express anger in safe and healthy ways. So can the adult alters who participated in this journey with me.
But the others can’t, not yet. This is what happens in order
- Issue number 1: any feelings of present anger trigger past anger.
- Issue number 2: past anger can overwhelm, trigger, and throw me into a flashback so that I am not reacting to the present anymore
- Issue number 3: I can’t always tell when Issue number 2 occurs
- Issue number 4: If the anger is strong enough, it sets off my survival instincts or fear response – freeze/flight/fight/faint
- Issue number 5: Once issue number 4 happens: I dissociate and whoever is best able to handle the threat takes over
- Issue number 6: I still struggle with finding a healthy way to express anger so that the other issues don’t happen.
These are the consequences of my denial and repression over t he years:
- physical illness – the digestive issues, the sinus pressure, the pain in my body, the tiredness from having to cope with so much going on inside
- Emotional Stress – anger denied layers feelings of fear, shame, guilt, rage, and confusion over the memories, distorting them and making the recovery slower
- Emotional Stress – anger repressed comes out as resentment, envy, frustration, jealousy, depression, and the urge to self-harm
- Spiritual Stress – questioning myself as a good person, questioning my values, questioning my purpose in life, questioning whether or not I deserve to be alive
- Physical Stress – my immune system suffers, my mobility suffers, my stamina suffers so that useful activities can’t be accomplished
My alters and I are learning how to let go of and ride the feelings of anger as they come. But even that learning curve is exhausting. One alter thought maybe our guests could relate, so we are sharing some of our experiences, trials, and errors here with the hope that the information helps someone else too.
Thanks for reading