The One Month Break
Taking a month off was healing in some ways and enlightening in others. Not posting allowed me to focus on self care and moving to a better living situation. I spent more time packing, planning, focused on work, resting when I could, apartment hunting, and eventually moving too.
NEW APARTMENT YAY!
My living situation is much improved. I love the new apartment and am getting used to living in/near a college again. As much as I love old buildings with their creaky noises, eccentric quirks, and character, the new space is a challenge for unpacking and settling in. Beyond that, the building is run by an excellent (so far) management team that really cares about its tenants. And I finally have a bath tub!
And now there’s space for me to set up a craft/learning space – knitting, sewing, aromatherapy, etc. – in my living room while the other room is reserved for work & sleeping. Plus there’s the challenge of unpacking and decorating to make this space home. But at least no one will be criticizing me for it or accusing me of hoarding because of my slow methods.
Unpacking and decorating has also inspired me to start using Pinterest again. I’ve added some new boards and new pins to existing boards if you’re interested. You can find links to Pinterest on the Resources page.
BYE BYE TOXIC LIVING SITUATION
The toxic living situation kept taking up more and more of my mental space as the upstairs neighbor escalated. At some point, I stopped sleeping and started meditating/resting instead. Cooking saved me from bursts of anger. Packing did too.
But my survival instincts and automatic defenses were roused. Some of them, I’ve talked about in the past. Others I haven’t, not yet, because those memories were hidden or caused too much pain when triggered. But now, those instincts are close to the surface. And with them, come the memories too.
Instead of having to cope with a lot of emotional/mental triggers, I’m working through physical and environmental triggers that make me want to protect myself with violence.
If my past experiences taught me one thing really well, it was that anyone who tried to make physical contact or get close to me was attacking me. And I had to protect myself in any and every way possible. When running didn’t work, fighting back did. Doesn’t matter how much pain I feel or what condition my body/health is in.
If these instincts are triggered or I am put in a position of having to defend/protect myself, I fight to survive at any cost. With that knowledge in my mind, I’ve spent a lot of time alone or around “safe” people for limited time periods lately. Without a mechanism to make me stop and pause, it’s not safe for me to be around other people like this.
Luckily, my body and other alters have some awareness of when these instincts are triggered. They give the rest of us advance notice so that we can plan to say inside instead of going out.
Questioning My Ability to Share Useful Resources
The time away also provided time to reflect on my current mental space and ability to share useful resources here.
While telling parts of my history here is part of what makes this blog authentic, it’s not the main reason I started sharing here. Lately, I’ve struggled to come up with new ideas and posts, useful information and resources that might be helpful or useful to others beginning their journey or struggling at a complex/difficult place in recovery. People who are learning how to live and cope after surviving or getting out of toxic situations that made them question everything and not trust anything at first glance.
What I’m learning now, the resources opening up to me, are coming from a different place now. It’s a different phase of recovery, a scary (to me) one where my past coping strategies are useful, but not as helpful as before because the challenges are different. I”m sharing my authentic self with the world. And I’m finally able to accept all parts of myself – violent/nonviolent, male/female, victim/survivor/individual – with compassion and love.
Instead of surviving or putting my toe in the shallow pool of living, I’m wading into the deeper waters where my feet don’t always touch the ground. I’m living and thriving and using my flashbacks/triggers as reminders or guides to help me learn from past mistakes to make better choices now. I’m being vulnerable and moving forward with personal, professional, and academic goals. Sometimes even achieving them.
But how relevant is that to my guests?
How will reading books about personal finance or minimalism, or personal style, or training in skills help them cope with the internal and external struggles that come with trauma and recovery?
How will going to lectures, taking classes, challenging oneself to meet new people, or learning about resilience/vulnerability and shame via many channels give my guests the hope and courage or inspiration to keep on going?
I’m not asking for answers or reassurance that this resource website and blog is useful. If anyone wants to comment, you are welcome to do so. Feedback is always welcome.
If the last 5 months have taught me anything, it’s that life will always be full of challenges and triggers. How we react and act to meet those challenges defines how interesting, fun, boring, miserable, joyful, or blah our life becomes as time passes. And sometimes life throws one a curve because it knows that individual has what it takes to succeed this time around.
But people also grow and change in unexpected ways. Their lives, thought processes, goals, and beliefs change too. People sometimes move on or move in a different direction as experience and perspective open up different paths.
Whatever happens, if I stop posting or adding new articles, this site will stay up and available to anyone searching for help. The Resource page and Home Page will be updated to reflect this.
Thanks for reading.