Disclaimer: this is a place of learning, safety, and hope. Take what you want from the post and forget the rest. Maybe this will help you. Maybe it won’t.
*Trigger Warning: This post may contain triggers; read at your own pace*
To be fair to all of you, this post is written by many of us off-the-cuff. You will see spelling errors, grammar errors, etc. as your read. If that is not something you want, please stop here.
I am a male alter personality living in a female body. The pronouns I use when communicating verbally are “he” and “they”. That doesn’t change my gender or personality or anything else. Like many of us in the system, I am asexual too.
If the alters who are interested in sex ever wanted to try again, I’d come out only to ensure the potential partner is a safe one who will treat all parts of our system with the TLC, respect, and acceptance we all deserve. Beyond that, I am happy living inside and not having much to do with the outside world.
I work with other alters here to help maintain our family and keep us safe from the monsters in our memories – body, mind, spirit, present, past, and so on.
As long as our body is safe, healthy, and happy, I don’t care what it looks like to outsiders. I love it as it is.
I am a female alter personality living in a female body. The pronouns I use are “she” and “her” because I am only female and enjoy being female. Not every female in our system is a “she”, and not every male is a “he”. Most prefer “they”. But I am wholly feminine and female even though body acceptance is hard for me.
To be honest, I spent a lot of time living in the outside world as a young girl and a teen. It was one of my jobs to be “in the body” so to speak when the predators came to rape, use, or train our body. That gave me a warped perception about what a female body is supposed to look like and taught me to hate our body. I don’t like sex or the idea of it, but am willing to change my mind in the correct circumstances.
Once I stopped hating our body, I learned to embrace our beautiful, healthy weight and curves.
We are non-binary alter personalities who prefer to portray ourselves in non-human shapes. If you need a pronoun, “they” or “them” works best. Our female body is healthy and strong enough to keep us safe. We admire it because it allows us the freedom to make choices, enjoy life, and be creative.
None of us enjoy interacting with the outside world, but we do when people try to hurt us. One, or two or many of us merge with whoever is in charge to add strength, agility, speed, and experience to increase our chances of survival. Our body is in a delicate space right now as it heals from the past.
It can’t physically train as much as it used to before without causing more damage, so we train on the inside and make sure our bodies can do what’s necessary to protect us and be safe in the aftermath.
One day, though, we will all be able to work together and exercise and train again with our physical body. Whether it’s female, male, or something else – we don’t care. Our body is precious and deserves to be treated with kindness, care, love and accepance
Teen alters here. We don’t like the attention our curvy, attractive body gets from males and females. It’s scary to be honest with you all. Scary and frustrating and feels shameful because we remember what the grown ups and other teens said about and did to our body in the past.
Do you remember the rhyme: “sticks and stones may break my bones. But words will never hurt me.”? Well, let’s just say we all used that as kids and teens to deflect from the verbal bullying. But it’s not quite true because words DO hurt. And they can last as long if not longer in our memories than physical blows to our body.
We are all asexual too. None of us thinks about sex or sexual acts except as danger. The two concepts are permanently linked. We’re working with the other alters in our system to not be so reactive to sexual triggers, but it’s slow going.
Still all of us have learned to appreciate and embrace the benefits of having a female body. We love our body as it is 🙂
ALL OF US: we spent a lot of time not thinking about our gender and sexuality preferences because we didn’t feel safe or comfortable reaching out for help in ANY community. Joining the diversity and inclusion group at work helped bring clarity to our confusion by providing free LGBTQ resources – including terminology and the use of pronouns.
I/we never realized that the terms “non-binary” and “transgender” and “pan-sexual” applied to our situation before. And discovering the meaning of those terms loosened up some of the tight balls of anxiety hiding inside. Why?
Because I/we am/are male and female and non-binary thanks to having so many alter personalities. Each and every one of us has learned to value and appreciate living in a female body and can’t imagine living in a male one. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that we will sometimes dress masculine or androgynous instead of feminine or complain about having such a female looking body since it makes dressing androgynous or masculine more difficult.
And because we all agree to be open-minded about our sexuality and sexual preference. Being heterosexual just means that our body finds male bodies physically and physiologically attractive – i.e. our female body reacts to male body stimuli. And a male body is a male body.
Could be a female who transitioned to become a male and is attracted to females. Could be a male who is born male and is heterosexual. Or it could be an as yet undiscovered combination of body and identity as humans continue to explore what it means to be male and female.
All we as I know is that my body has been conditioned to react to male and female overtures because of past training. Yeah, I’m admitting it here. I was sexually assaulted and raped by both males and females growing up. Some were heterosexual, some were homosexual, some were bisexual. All of them were pedophiles. And those pedophiles, they were all different races too.
My first experiences with all kinds of people were interacting with the worst, scariest, meanest versions available. They convinced me not to trust anyone based on perception and appearance. That is part of why I used to keep quiet when people talked about sexuality, sexual preferences, and civil rights.
Now the world is changing. All of us have a chance to change with the world and become who we want to be.
What does this mean for you?
Thanks for reading