Archives for category: Alter Post

So this is a very personal post with a lot of triggers.  It’s being written freestyle using the stream of consciousness method.  No one is exactly sure what will come out or how long the post will be.  Or what secrets will come out.

All we know is that it’s time to tell you about how we were raised.  So thanks in advance for reading

As with any triggering content, please read with care.  We seriously hope the “Read More” tag works this time.  To be sure though, some extra spaces between this content and everything else.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Read the rest of this entry »

Advertisements

Trigger Warning – please read with caution

Read the rest of this entry »

**Disclaimer: all thoughts, feelings, opinions and expressions here are from the perspective of one or more alters in our system.  Not anyone else**

First post today.

We have been lax about posting.  Thursday and Friday this week were busy with family and coping with unexpected challenges.  Different parts of our system are still victims.  Others are survivors. Some are thriving instead.

But all of us are struggling with how to interact with our relatives and certain friends.  We are struggling not to fall back into old patterns.  We are struggling with automatic switching.

In the last 24 hours 15 of us switched places and talked to our friend – who we traveled to visit and stayed with as a guest – and did not tell anyone it happened.  Our host self did not even know it happened.  Since we all have the same voice as adults (and the child parts and mimic that voice too) that came to some awkward assumptions (her about our whole self) and repeated, but useful reminders and advice to deal with the current coping challenges (next post).

Our host self sounded like she was talking about herself a lot.  Very self-centered and not interested in others – absolute untruth.  She also seemed wound up and stressed out; true.  And she appeared to be back in the victim mentality based on how she tried to explain what was really going on – but we wouldn’t let her tell the friend we were hijacking her voice and sharing our fears and frustrations instead.

Our host self, who is actually okay with and able to handle the relatives well, hardly spoke to the friend.  We know this friend is safe and accepting of our past and present situation.  We could talk without fear and used it to speak our thoughts instead of asking the rest of the system for help coping with our triggers.

When our friend pointed it out today, we loosened the reins and let our host self explain a little about alter personalities, but not much.  Not the most important piece: that our friend wasn’t talking to the adult host self who is caring,  empathetic, okay with small talk, and more interested in listening to others than herself.

She knows that when the conversation gets to be a lot like therapy or the words coming out are mostly “I” statements,  then we are taking over her voice and talking.  But she doesn’t tell others.  She just lets them think that she is selfish and self centered and stuck in the past.  Or using therapy strategies for expressing feelings and setting boundaries in conversations instead of typical social conversation language.  The second option is typically used on the hotline only to help us work through an issue and find the best way to verbalize it in a conversation. But sometimes one of us will ask friends for help and then use this technique with them too.

The problem was, none of us told our host self we were doing this.  And we didn’t tell our friend either.  We just fell back into old patterns and then embarrassed our host self.

Now we have to figure out how to fix this for her and everyone else in the system.  Otherwise, it will be a very long week.

p.s. This post aas written on a smart phone, so please excuse the unusual formatting, etc.

thanks for reading.

An odd thing happened earlier this week.

I was late meeting the Uber and ended up in the wrong car.  My lateness triggered a panic attack that increased when I realized I was in the wrong car.  The driver couldn’t wait to get me out even though he was polite and courteous.  The panic attack led me to being late for my acupuncture appointment.

Lucky for me, my practitioner and the people in reception knew me well and helped calm the attack.  Our treatment focused on easing the anxiety through grounding and balancing my chi.  We didn’t have time for the bodywork and massage, but I left feeling calmer and more clearheaded.  This time, I got the right Uber and home on time.

One thing I always have to remember is that these treatments take a lot out of my body.  In stimulating my chi and forcing stagnant blockages to move, the acupuncture and bodywork promote internal healing of my organs too.  That means more sleep, more liquids, more food and more movement are needed to replenish what’s being used.  Sometimes meditation can be substituted for sleep.  Sometimes not.

But this week especially, I realized something was different.  When I lay down at night, my body buzzed on the inside from toes to head.  I wasn’t shaking or trembling.  My external self (skin, arms, legs, torso, head, neck, toes, fingers) wasn’t moving.  But I was trembling on the inside.  I could feel my blood circulating, my chi moving along the veins and through muscle.

It scared me.  And it made calming into a sleep state feel wrong.  But I was so tired.  Reading books didn’t help.  My eyes and head were tired.  Music was too stimulating.  Audio books came to my rescue.  I listened to them as I fell asleep.  Thank technology for wireless headphones.

Audio books also drowned out the trauma memory voices telling me to hurt and punish myself.  They distracted my alters and my body from reliving those experiences through backlash and shame until all of us were ready to cope with the new set of memories unleashed by the slow balancing of my chi.

I mentioned a lot of needles on my abdomen; needles also went into my legs, neck, and head to help clear stagnant chi from my mind, spirit and digestive system.  By forcing those blocked up places to move and clear out, the pain in my back and along my spine eased too.  And the swelling/water retention around my abdominal/lower back areas lessened too.  Nausea faded.  And other issues related to that improved.

As my body heals, the memories held there reveal themselves in fragments.  The fragments travel to my subconscious self and appear in dreams.  Dreams come in sleep and in meditation.  Alters switch during the sleep state, but not waking anyone up unless absolutely necessary.  I’m lucky they feel secure and safe enough here to wake up get things (like showering, getting a drink, etc.) done and then go back to sleep without disturbing anyone else.

It’s too bad that all the switching and dreaming makes for less than restful sleep.  Instead, whoever is involved spends the time processing, categorizing, and storing the fragments in bubbles until the rest appear.  The focus seems to be on what happened between ages 10 and 17; relationships, ownership, possession, secret friendships, survival, feelings vs. numbness, and loss.

So I spent most of my time not working in a state of rest.  Either sleeping or eating or doing something relaxing/meditative while drinking as much fluids and massaging my abdomen and back as much as possible to stimulate movement.  Last weekend’s panic attack taught me (and everyone else too) that massaging the abdominal area, sides, and lower back promotes movement, detoxifying, cleansing, and ease of pain.

I’m not sure what is in my future.  I’m not sure if I will ever rebuild relationships with family and people from my past into something meaningful.  I’m not sure (even if my new counselor is) whether or not my body will catch up to my mind in terms of recovery/healing health.

But I’m going to stay open to the possibilities.

I am going to stay positive.

I am going to do everything I can to promote wellness and integration for my mind/body/spirit.

How do you promote a slow detoxification of memories and illness from your self?

Thanks for reading

****Please remember this is from an ALTER POV, not a counselor or provider POV***

I am darkness, a male child alter.  I am dawn-to-dusk, a male child alter.  I am Bree, a female child alter.  I am Sienna, a female adolescent alter.  I am Silence, a hermaphrodite adolescent alter.  I am Willow, a tree alter.  I am Rowan, a tree alter.  I am Bamboo, a grass alter.  I am Angora, an adult alter and twin to the part who interacts most with the outside world.  We are the 5, 5 male alters all brothers with different names and age ranges.  I am Purple, a female child alter.  I am Blue, a female child alter.  I am Night, a male child alter.  I am Mist, a male child alter.

These are not our official names.  We don’t have names by choice, but these work for the purposes of this website/blog.  For every male child alter, there is also a female child alter, like twins.  Not all of us decided to share names today.  Many of us can’t speak or write even though we can communicate with each other.  So one of the adults is helping us with the writing.

DREAMS

Most of the time, we communicate with each other in dreams.  Sometimes we talk, but mostly we share daydreams and nighttime dreams.  Most of the voices we hear inside are trauma memories that are lost and need to go home where they belong.  Their home is someplace else with others who love and accept and respect them.  And the ONLY time we can all really connect with each other is when our body is asleep.

That’s when all of the barriers in the physical world go down, and we only have to worry about what happens inside the brain.  The brain is where we created our internal world and spend most of our time.  But now we’re learning that we have to include other parts of our body in the world too if we want to fully recover from the past.

Some of those voices can’t go home because they’re missing parts too.  Those parts are stored in different memory banks, i.e. our body parts, and need to be reunited with the scary voices and trauma memories in the brain so everyone can go home.  Before we moved to the new home state, none of us (not even the know-it-alls) understood why those voices were howling at us and making our body hurt so much.  They were moving deeper into our body.

And none of us could follow.  We were separated by a force field and couldn’t move past the base of the skull.  Everything below that was completely dark and empty-looking.  What would happen if we did make it through the darkness to the other side?  How would we survive the new place?  Why did that darkness hurt so much?  Where did it come from?  And why did the pain get worse the closer we got to the darkness?

It got so bad that none of us wanted to sleep or be alone.  That was hard on the adults and older adolescents.  They were busy making sure everything was in order for the move and working at the job.  So we started sharing our information during the sleep times and when no one was working.  And the dreams unfolded like stories and movies.  We always made sure to try to end them before work, but the trauma memories would sneak in and take over.  They didn’t want the dreams to stop.  And especially didn’t want anyone going to work.

Work and outside of the home base was too scary.  Our body was vulnerable, and they wanted to keep attacking the force field.  Eventually, the adults figured out what was happening.  And ALL of us worked together with the trauma memories to make the pain stop until everyone was safe again.

After the move, the memories started attacking the force field again.  And we child alters got curious.  Feeling adventurous, we started checking out the force field too.  And the black darkness made our bodies hurt.  Made everyone tired.  We started experiencing feelings that had been locked away for a long time.  Remembering people who died or disappeared.  Dreaming of past experiences without the holes.

Each time we fall asleep, that force field weakens.  The darkness lightens up, becoming a lighter and lighter gray color.  We feel scared and excited about what’s behind the force field.  Already memories are leaking through on both sides.  Good memories, bad memories, neutral memories.  Feelings are leaking through too.

Maybe that’s why reconnecting with family is easier and less scary right now.  Either way, something inside is changing.  And feeling that force field separating our mind and body slowly erode inspires hope.

Thanks for reading.

My name is Darkness.  I am between 6 and 10 years old.  My name comes from holding some of the darkest memories and feelings in our system.  It was my job to protect the other parts from the monsters by creating walls between them and reality – aka a darkness that veiled the scary truth.  I was and still am a protector – strong and independent and capable.  I didn’t think that I needed any help; in fact asking for help was considered a weakness back then.

It wasn’t until the adults started going to therapy that I realized help is not a weakness.  Offering help feels good and lessens the feelings of guilt and shame for not being able to protect everyone all the time.  But accepting help?  Admitting I couldn’t handle all of the memories, feelings, and triggers by myself?  Admitting that I couldn’t do everything, protect everyone, prevent the others from remembering, maintain the dark veil?  That I refused to believe for a long time.

Because what would I do?  How could I be a useful part of the system if I wasn’t protecting everyone and myself from the scary memories?  How would I cope with the voices and the pain that came from lifting the darkness?  Who would want to help a monster like me?  One who lived in perpetual darkness reliving what the monsters did to our mind and body?

No, I didn’t believe anyone would offer to help me unless that offer was a trick of some kind.  I didn’t believe I deserved to be helped either.  So I ignored the offers.  And I denied needing anyone’s help.

Until the day, or was it evening, that I got caught in a trap that stuck me in the past and couldn’t get out on my own.

A whole group of alters (different ages and genders) came to find me.  They told me I could get out of this easily.  All I had to do was accept their offer of help.  I didn’t believe them at first.  I fought them.  I insulted them.  I hurt them.  I fought myself.  I insulted myself.  I hurt myself.  I pushed them away.  I hid from them.

They always found me.  They protected themselves without hurting me.  They offered compassion.  They stayed down in the pit with me and never, not once, left.

It felt like days, but was only hours – that last battle.  I was so tired.  I gave in and accepted their help.  As soon as I opened up to the offer, the trap disappeared.  No one was stuck anymore.  We climbed out of the pit and made our way home.  It was kind of embarrassing that the girl alters were stronger and faster than me fora long time as I recovered.

Boys are supposed to be stronger than girls.  Smarter and faster too.  But that’s a lie too.  Maybe boys are physically stronger because of the differences in body shapes.  But not stronger or smarter or faster in the other ways that count.  Anyone can be strong and fast and smart; it has to do with the individual not the gender.

Sometimes I forget that I”m part of a system who loves and accepts me as I am.  Sometimes I forget how important I am to the system; without me we wouldn’t be the AlterXpressions system (a unique, independent woman) and able to do so much.  And without them, I wouldn’t be able to learn, grow, and do my job as part of the system that makes up the woman we are.

A woman with masculine and feminine characteristics who is learning to embrace all parts of herself as I learn to accept myself and my part in our system.

Thanks for reading.

After 2 sessions with this person, I feel like she and I will work well together for the long term.  There is another person who I might try to see for specialized help, but not continued care.

This helps relieve some of my stress a lot.  I have someone to depend on and contact here on a regular basis.  That means weekly or bi-weekly check-ins, progress, and assistance in gettinf my tool box reorganized.

In other news, my acupuncture visits have been extremely helpful, espscially with the body memories.  They still appear and cause lots of emotional or physical discomfort, but not in the same way as before.  My energy is better, and I can sleep with more ease too.

Yesterday, when I described the source of the pain along my spine, the acupuncturist actually felt the tension and tightness in the muscles and skin along my spine.  The tightness and tension caused pain to radiate along my back and around to my shoulders, chest, abdomen, etc.

She tried a massage technique after the needling that helped a lot.  So much in fact that I slept extra today and was able to release some of the body memories.  With that release came other memories from childhood – some good and others not – that helped me and my child alters make sense of some confusing fragments.

Tai chi starts up next weekend.  And I hope for that to help with the muscle and joint problems cause by everything not being in proper alignment.  The exercise will also fill a need for activity in my life.

For the first time in weeks, I am feeling hopeful and in less pain. 

Thanks for reading

I am triggered.  Tomorrow is my father’s birthday.  It never really bothered me before.  But now, my alters are remembering past experiences in dreams.  And the critical voices – mean, rude, negative, manipulative, insulting, and scary – intrude on my waking hours and try to stop me from moving forward with this month’s tasks: get scholarship information and simplify my budgeting system.

Worrying about money always triggers flashbacks and anxiety from the times when my father controlled me by managing my money, taxes, bills, and car for me.  And when he would manipulate me into giving away expensive stuff to my brother or other family members instead of selling or repurposing the items for myself.  

How?  By making comments about how I wasted time “playing” on these machines or “money” on software or electronics that “didn’t work” right because I was stupid and paid too much.   And by telling me I was in debt and should not waste money I didn’t have.  It would make my credit score worse.  And if I had extra money, why not use it to help my mom instead?  Because I didn’t deserve new or nice things that made me happy.

Back then, I didn’t know he used my credit to buy stuff and then lapse on paying it.  Or that he stole money from me through identity theft.  I know my mom did that through our shared bank account until I moved my money out an had my name taken off of it.  But I didn’t know my dad was until I checked my credit cards and saw a much higher balance than what I put on the cards each month.  But that was after I went to a bank and had the loan officer check my credit to see if I was eligible to buy a house back when I thought I was stuck in my old home forever.

I struggled with the decision to buy a home or go back to graduate school.  My father discouraged both simply by telling me that the only way to accomplish either goal was to follow his explicit plans.  And he had everything mapped out including my budget, transportation routes for both scenarios, and monthly expenses.  He made it clear that I couldn’t do either one on my own because I wasn’t smart enough to get scholarships or have the credit score to get a decent loan.  But worse, he spread his “worry” about me to mom and the rest of the family.  Mom didn’t want me to do either one; buy a house or go back to school because that meant I was doing better than her.  She told dad everything I told her, but in such a way that I was being evil for wanting something different than the life they planned for me.  So between te two of them, I sufdsnly had tons of family discouraging me from pursuing either financial and educational goal.  And you know what, it worked.  I bowed to the pressure and did not pursue either one.

Instead, I used the money to disappear and start over.

Now, every time I spend money on something that helps me or makes me smile, I get flashbacks and anxiety.  The voices start whispering or yelling at me.  I start switching.  My body hurts.  And I wonder if I really am managing my money properly or not.  I start thinking I can’t afford what I bought or invested in.  And I get mad at myself.

Reading, music, distractions, grounding, the usual stuff is not helping.  Mantras, affitmations, maintaining connections with people are somewhat helping, but not really.  And so I find myself struggling to cope with these unexpected triggers.

Thanks for reading.

I’ve read other bloggers who share information about their own recovery journeys and found them very helpful.  They offer resources, visuals, graphs, charts, and how-tos.  Their posts are well written and appealing to many different kinds of learners.  Their websites are free of many ads too.  Many thanks to any and all who break the silence barrier by writing and sharing their experiences.

One thing I most appreciate about their blogs is how they can define in specific terms what category their abuser fits into or what type of abuse they survived if the writer is a survivor of trauma.  If not a survivor or victim, then I appreciate how the writer can define so clearly the type of mental health issue he or she suffers from and all of the different types of coping strategies that work or don’t work with those particular struggles.

Because I can’t do that.  Not without leaving out or neglecting a group of individuals who have suffered in some way and come here for anonymous, safe support and resources.  Also not without delving deeper into memories and experiences not yet accessible to my conscious mind.  Many of my alters like to take turns and write posts here on the blog too. That means the quality and content are sometimes inconsistent and may seem unprofessional or unrelated to the topic.  But every post is some how related to trauma, abuse, neglect, recovery, and resources; that much I guarantee.

What I’ve shared so far is the tip of  the iceberg.  The focus has been on current events and present coping strategies.  I will continue to do that.  And as often as possible, one or all of the alters will try to remind the post author to include a photo or quote or something visual to go with the words.  That is difficult because at heart, I am a writer.  Words are my best communication tool.  But I want to connect with other types of learning and processing styles too, so adding in audio/visual elements is a personal goal to improve this blog.

And this is my hobby.  I wish I could dedicate more time, but work and life, maybe even graduate school in the near future, will take precedence.  If I knew of a way to get this site to pay for itself without using ads, I would do that.  Then I could dedicate more time to building the resource pages and more interesting posts.  And I could expand the website to offer other kinds of resources too.

But for now, this is it.  I write what I know.  I share what I learn.  And I hesitate to label anything because I am not a professional.  My therapist does not put labels on my parents other than  to call them sociopathic and psychopathic.  Nor does she label me or any of there other clients other than to call us trauma survivors.

She understand that I was a victim of incest by both parents and some family members by marriage; along with that was neglect, physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, bullying, shaming, and financial abuse from my parents, sibling, family members, educators, physicians/providers, and community; finally  the sexual abuse from my pediatrician and his ring of pedophiles, cult abuse and ritual torture from the religious cult who ran under the guise of Mormons and had connections with the pedophile ring and drug connections within the community.

I’m 33 going on 34, a victim and a survivor.  I changed my name and moved across the country to try to get away from the negative influences of my past.  Now I have a chance to live without worrying that my past will haunt me every moment of every day.

So no, I don’t use labels.  I don’t try to figure out what kind of abuser my parents or other perpetrators were.  I do read a lot of books about internal family systems, intergenerational trauma, toxic relationships, shame, compassion, coping techniques, coping strategies, and whatever disorders are symptoms of my main diagnosis (PTSD).  Then I work on my own (with my alters) and with therapists to apply what I’ve learned.  Knowledge is power.

Understanding them and their motivations helps me understand myself and my reactions to the world around me.

It also gives me perspective so that I can separate the individuals from the behaviors and thoughts.  By doing this, I can hold the perpetrators responsible, can hate their words and actions, without blaming the human beings.

Blame enables shame, anger, and victimization.

Accountability, aka holding them responsible, fosters forgiveness, compassion, empathy, acceptance, knowledge, and healing.

Which would you choose?

Thanks for reading.

Dear Guests,

Thank you for your patience during this slow post period as I moved.  I am grateful for your kindness and compassion since any changes in routines can be jarring and/or triggering.  My teen, young adult, and not human alters also thank you all for being patient with them as they tried to post once in a while with minimal help from the adults and other alters who usually help them with the process.

Sincerely,

AlterXpressions