Last post I shared a quote from Archangel’s Storm by Nalini Singh featuring the heroine. This post’s quote is from the hero, Jason.
I’m sharing this for many reasons, but mostly because it’s important for my male guests to feel included and acknowledged too. He says this to Mahiya after misjudging her actions early in their relationship.
“I apologize. I do not know anything of the battles you’ve already fought or the choices you’ve had to make to survive”
Because Jason, like Mahiya, is an adult angel who has lived a long time (approx. 700 years according to the book). He’s also a survivor of trauma. In this world, angels do not become adults until about 200 years. Under 100 years angels are still considered children/pre-adolescent and look that way too.
Can you imagine a young child with wings too big for his or her body just learning to fly? Can you imagine growing up on a remote island with only your parents?
Then one day both of your parents are dead. You survived because your mother hid you, told you to stay quiet until she came for you. But she didn’t come back. And as a child, you had to survive alone until your body was physically able to fly all the way back to the angel stronghold where children are raised.
Does that make Jason bitter? Does that close hi off from feelings? Does it allow him to also feel empathy? Does it along with natural talents make Jason a natural at his chosen profession – spymaster?
Here is the final quote from Jason. Maybe it will answer the questions above. Maybe not. If you want to know more than the spoilers here, please read the book.
You’re not hard enough for such a task” – almost gentle words – “and I honor the strength it must’ve taken to fight the bitterness, to refuse to allow your heart to petrify to pitiless stone.”
Because Jason is afraid that exact thing has happened to him after so many centuries alone.
Like Jason and Mahiya, I sometimes fear that my anger and shame will take over and turn me into the perpetrators and predators who raised me. I fear that my inability to connect with people face to face is a sign of permanent damage that marks me as something less than human. Unworthy of healthy relationships, a job I love, and a life full of joy.
Then I remember that I survived. That I have healthy, happy relationships with people who love, value, and accept me as I am. That these people are my family and friends; people I love, value, and accept as they are. That there is hope because recovery takes a long time.
And for every person that gives in to the bitterness, there is another who chooses love. The feelings come so intensely, they feel like they’ll never go away. But the feelings do go away eventually. Acknowledgment and acceptance each time the feelings appear helps them feel less intense and go away faster.
So, I will be like Jason too. He survived 700 years before meeting the one woman who helped him find joy again. I can survive this cycle of intense feelings too.
Thanks for reading