Mother’s day brings up a lot of flashbacks and bad memories for me. I can’t celebrate it, and even have a difficult time thinking of or remembering positive mother figures in my life. And I can’t think of anything special or interesting to write for this post.
Instead, I’m going to change it up this year.
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL OF THE GUESTS WHO ARE MOTHERS AND MOTHER FIGURES!!!
Thanks for reading.
The past few months have helped me realize that sometimes experiences become benchmarks. And benchmarks become anniversaries. Not all anniversaries are bad ones.
These are some of the good ones I feel grateful to remember and want to share:
- 22 years of keeping secrets and choosing not to address rumors about my sexual orientation that got me ignored, bullied, harassed, etc. by “friends”, family, class mates, teachers, and community members
- 20 years since one rapist got me pregnant and then forced an abortion
- 18 years of celibacy by choice – I chose not to have sex or sexual relations until a time came when I changed my mind
- 13 years into recovery and in the “live” phase instead of “crisis” phase
- 12 years since I learned about posttraumatic stress disorder and trauma therapy
- 10.5 years working at the same job
- 10 years since I started choosing my own medical and mental health providers
- 5 years since I walked away from my family and started to take my life back
- 5 years since I learned that the “voices” in my head were real (DID) and not my imagination making me crazy
- 3 years since I legally changed my name and started to feel safe in all parts of my life
- 8 months since I reconnected with safe family members
- 8 months since I moved out of state and started fresh
- 6 months until I turn 35 years old – 14 years beyond what I assumed by expected life term
Sometimes it takes a look backwards to remember all of the good that happened in spite of the bad. I feel grateful for the opportunity to remember and celebrate these benchmarks this week.
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I have one grandparent still alive.
She turns 101 today.
We spent 4 years apart because I had to walk away. The year she turned 100, we reconnected again.
I saw her 2-3 times before I moved across the country. She never doubted me, always believed in me, consistently loved me even if she couldn’t protect me.
Hard choices all around. Choose one person or the whole family? She chose the whole family, and I think I’m better for it. After all: I got to be part of her, my aunts, my uncles, and my cousins lives then. Still have them now.
So today, I’m feeling gratitude and love. I’m celebrating life. And I’m thanking the universe for both of us still being alive.
My grandmother survived marriage, war, immigration, births, deaths, children, grandchildren, and so much more.
Still, when I saw her today, she smiled and asked if I ate yet. Then told me I’m wearing a pretty hat.
She’s 101 years old. She still wakes up in the morning and goes to bed at night. She uses a walker and watches her favorite TV shows during the day.
I love you Grandma. You inspire me to keep on going, living, enjoying life.
Thanks for reading…