Archives for posts with tag: Coping Challenges

It’s fall.  The weather has turned cool, damp, and cloudy.  Leaves are changing color and falling.

Normally, this is my favorite season and time of the year.  I love rain and color changes and the smell of ozone in the air after rain fall.  The plants have a different scent too; and I’m surrounded by plants and forest on one side; a benefit of living within blocks of a city forest.

And yet, this year, I’m struggling with hyper-vigilance and body memories about cold weather even in my apartment.  The curtains are up, the windows have been caulked.  My apartment is warm with the heat on.  A few places still have cracks that let air in, but not too badly.  If I open the heat vents more, then the place will warm up more too.

I’m being mindful and wearing lots of layers too.  Using coping strategies and grounding techniques to help with the anxiety and depression.  Making financial plans to finish decorating my apartment sooner instead of later.  Going to therapy and for Chinese Medicine treatments regularly.  Maintaining an open dialogue with the landlord/owner about what I notice in the apartment and documenting everything.  And so on.

But at the same time, my body feels chilled constantly.  I feel hyper-vigilant like intruders could get in at any time.  The usual sinus/cold/allergy body memories are trying to manifest as they normally do – making me feel sick and listless – and yet are not.  Instead of severe sinusitis and flu-like symptoms, I feel like I have allergies.  Instead of many sleepless nights followed by crashing, I feel tired a lot and sometimes have to start my day later, but have not needed to take any time off.

And still my body experiences pain around my neck and shoulders.  No amount of hot tea or soup brings my body temperature back to warm/normal.  I feel alternately tired and energetic, yet unable to exercise or be active without backlash.  And my body itself is humming with internal movement.  The kind you might feel after a moderate workout or stretching routine where your muscles were given a thorough workout.

It didn’t help that my alters got activated late last week when a supposedly down on his luck man came knocking at the door asking for a handout.  My alters tell me that he was really a private investigator looking for information, but no one has concrete evidence.  Either way, he made everyone feel super uncomfortable to the point of changing our plans.

The next I let a scam artist convince me to give him and his female partner two dollars.  That felt conflicting because I knew it was a scam, yet my intuition told me that giving the two dollars would help protect the female partner in some way.  The man felt predatory and smug to me; I didn’t like him at all as he spoke to me.  The woman stayed back with hoodie partially covering her face and silent.

Except for her eyes.  Her eyes told a different story.  And for once, I empathized with her situation, and the potential danger of not meeting a quota for her handler.  So I gave the money in spite of my instincts telling me these people were dangerous and to just run away/ignore them.  That was a new struggle for me because my reactions used to be very straightforward:
Danger = fight/flight/faint/freeze response is activated and I run or fight or hide/stay still until the danger passes

This time my reaction was:
Danger = is this danger to me or someone else?  I am safe and can walk away, but that doesn’t stop the danger.  So the danger is not to me; who is in danger?  Can I help?  And will this action help?  Feeling of relief because my small action did help.  Feelings of confusion, anxiety and shame because I did not react like I normally do

So now I’m struggling with making my home feel warm and safe again so that my body can relax.  And then my mind can relax.  And maybe I will stop feeling danger everywhere.  Or second guessing myself and questioning my reality/perceptions.  Or feeling scared and not wanting to leave my apartment.

The only thing really working for right now is reality testing my perceptions and experiences with a compassionate and objective third party.  Grounding, meditation, etc. always helps in the short term.  And in spite of my body feeling unsafe and on alert, the rest of me does feel safe/happy/healthy.

It’s the mixed signals that are confusing me.  Confusing the alters too.

I wish this post could be more positive and offer effective strategies/solutions, but it’s not.  I am struggling too.

If you get triggered by weather or environment or circumstances beyond your control, please take steps to feel and be safe.  It’s often more difficult to reach out as winter and holidays approach.  You are not alone or isolated.  Neither are we.  Sometimes just remembering that helps too.

Thanks for reading.

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The Stream of Consciousness aka processing Tuesday’s fear

I’m still thinking about it.  We are still wondering what happened.

Maybe the pressure has been building up for a while.  A lot has happened in less than two years.

Not since 2010/2011 have all parts of me unanimously wanted to run and hide.  To disappear or sleep and never come back or wake up.  That was the year before I wrote a manifesto and walked away from my family.  In 2012, it became permanent.  In 2015/2016, I started talking with some family again.  In 2016, I moved across the country and started a different life.

Now, it’s 2017, and I have a real home.  I have neighbors and friends.  A life full of interesting and frustrating and fun and sad and happy and scary moments.  A life in transition.

Something big is going to happen.  Something inside is pushing me to make changes.  Something else is pushing me to stop and hide, go backwards.  And yet, for all of these feelings inside, the rest of me is lacking direction.

The need to DO SOMETHING is so strong it feels reckless.  It also feels scary and triggering.  So many parts of me are crying right now.  The rest are reliving some of their worst nightmares on purpose.

All because we want our body to get better.  We want to get rid of the last remnants of toxicity (stuff carried forward from before) in our lives.  It keeps sneaking up in the most unexpected places.

Some examples:

  • Knitting needles and yarn bought pre-move make completing a project almost impossible.  But new needles and yarns bought in the last two weeks have rekindled the joy and relaxation feelings again.
  • My emergency savings account has money earned or gifted to me from lingering past experiences.  Every time I try to add more and save, something happens and all that’s left is what I started with when I came here.  What to do?  Use the money to pay off debts in advance and zero out the account.  Then start refunding it with money earned in the present.
  • Need a new phone because the existing one is over 4 years old and the battery is starting to die.  Yet the idea of getting a new phone (and paying full price for it) fills me with anxiety.  All parts of me.  It’s like saying goodbye to a phase in life.
  • My bedding doesn’t fit the new bed.  My blankets don’t either.  They are warm and comforting, but bring on memories too.

Other Fears & Blocks to progress

  • I’ve almost completely swapped out all of my clothes and shoes so that none of the lingering memories trigger flashbacks.  But I still fear putting clothes away, doing laundry in the basement, and transitioning from season to season.  What do I fear?  That my clothes will disappear or get ruined if they are not always in my sight.
  • I want to put up organizational hooks, but fear putting things on the walls.  What do I fear?  Shaming, punishment, humiliation, making mistakes.
  • I want to write to my parents and other family members – ones that are no-contact – and tell them goodbye forever.  But another part of me says don’t because what if forever isn’t forever?  I want to be able to accept gifts from relatives, yet have trouble because of the invisible strings attached (imagined or real – they exist in my mind and make me want to avoid using what they give me).
  • My inner voice is telling me big things will happen.  My body is humming all the time as it gets balance out and heals from the inside.  The blockages, the muscle cramps, the body memories are connecting with feelings and spirit.
  • The cold weather here triggers feelings of abandonment and fear.  Wind blowing against my skin doesn’t feel safe.  Waking up in the dark after hearing noises at night or my neighbors unexpectedly, feels like waking up in the compound again.  Most of me knows I am safe.  But a small part of me is waiting for all of this to be taken away.
  • Using my credit card reward points to fly out of state and see a different cousin for the first time in 7 years is also scary.  But it feels like the right thing to do.  And I’m only staying for a few hours.  But it will help with the letter-writing decision.  And with the closure too.
  • And exploring my interests in New Age ideas feels scary as well.  But my love of crystals and plants, my curiosity about life & living won’t allow me to ignore that part anymore.  So I spend money on new experiences there too.  And surprisingly, all of the information from these sessions is remarkably consistent.

So here I am at midnight writing a post.  I still have to work in the morning.  I still have counseling after work.  I still have chores to do and food to cook.  Lucky for me, I had people to talk to when the paralysis hit.

They helped me get perspective.  They helped me move out of the paralysis and not give in to the “run & hide” urge.  3 errands, an unexpected snuggle with a dog, two phone calls, a text conversation with my counselor, dinner out, and 2 Netflix movies later combined with some knitting and finance stuff have helped a little.

It almost feels like a circle is closing.  One chapter ends, and another begins?  Or maybe I’m feeling anxious about turning 35?  Thirty had me doing mental cartwheels.  Every year after that brought the same kind of joy.  Until this year.

Many of my girls (female alters) have been healing so well, I am happy for them.  My boys (male alters) struggle so much more right now.  They are more connected to Pip’s world and our physical body that these current changes affect them more.

And the dreams are changing again.  Still vivid and sometimes scary, but not nightmares.  The Chinese medicine practitioners want to give me herbs to help with all that.  But all of us are reluctant to give up the dreams right now.  Dreams are one way we communicate and process the past together.

But sleep is important too.  And what happened Tuesday is serious enough that the herbs might be necessary.  If I can’t sleep tonight, then probably go tomorrow and get the herbs.  Thursday at the latest.

Did I mention the urge still exists?  It’s not as strong, but wanting to hide & run?  The feelings still exist.  So now it’s time for all of us to dig deep and figure out why.  Because, it doesn’t make sense.  Now is different from then.  Still scary and full of change, but different.

Thanks for reading.

Trigger warning -this is a long post with potentially triggering words used in different sections.  Please read with care, skip through, skim etc.

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Survival Mode

All parts of me still feel drained and off center right now.  Some unexpected challenges and expenditures for my new apartment combined with scheduling appointments around work and the owner’s schedule made this week rather interesting.

Home

general spaces:
I love the energy in this building.  In spite of the old windows that stick and have a hard time opening, quirky sliding doors, and electrical outlets that are not always grounded or placed in ideal locations, this studio apartment really does feel like home.  My neighbors are friendly, respectful, and quiet.  The owner and her management team are respectful, responsible, and responsive too.

Unexpected challenges

  • Changing home decorating and budget plans
  • Multiple panic attacks because I am changing my budget plans
  • Learning more about myself and my unique (but unacknowledged) skills
  • Understanding why strategies that worked before are not so helpful this time

The Coping Strategies for Self Care

After a session with my intern Chinese medicine/acupuncture practitioner this week, I decided to try and learn more about empaths and empathy.  She physically felt some of the problems I was experiencing during treatment and shared that information with me with calm acceptance.

It was the first time anyone had ever acknowledged and used extrasensory skills in a professional setting around me.  And it brought me back to face some facts about myself. I am an empath too.  What kind, I’m not sure exactly.  I don’t always or often experience physical symptoms of other people in my own body.  But I can and do experience energy changes, emotions, and other information about people and living beings through my senses.

All of this led me to a psychiatrist and self-proclaimed empath named Judith Orloff.  I’ve been listening to her book called The Empath’s Survival Guide and learning about my extrasensory skills.  This includes coping strategies and skills like – sleep, meditation, water, and food.

While I don’t subscribe to everything she’s talked about so far, her unique perspective helped me understand why these four strategies are always part of my “Back to Basics” plan.

Sleep
Before reading this book, I knew that sleep was essential – my body would knock me out if I overextended myself – but didn’t understand how or why it was so much more effective than taking a pill or using an energy drink to recalibrate like everyone else.  Now I understand that sleep is a time for reconnecting with all parts of myself and allowing those parts to relax and replenish energy levels while also healing themselves.

Food
Anorexia and almost a decade of severe food allergies/sensitivities taught me to be mindful of what I eat, how much I consume, and when I eat (frequency of meals) to stay healthy, energetic, and balanced.  While following these personal guidelines helped me maintain a healthy weight and feel strong, they sometimes frustrated me too.  After reading about how physical sensitivities are part of being an empath and why, I am practicing more self-acceptance and less shame about my unique eating habits & dietary needs.

Showers – aka baths, water, etc. (swimming not so much)
I love water.  I love being near water, smelling water in the air, drinking water, taking warm/hot baths & showers, and surrounding myself with the colors of water.  Swimming – not so much.  Being in the ocean, a river, or a pool – not so much.  Being on the water in a boat – absolutely fine.  But I’m also ashamed of this love for water.  The why is still unclear, but it exists.  The book offers an explanation about why I (as an empath) love water so much.  I am skeptical and keeping an open mind.  Some experimentation is required.  But I always feel amazing after a warm/hot shower with my favorite soap.

Meditation
I’ve practiced different types of meditation since I was 6 years old.  Maybe even earlier than that as the martial arts some of my relatives practiced fascinated me.  Our relationship has been rocky at times, but meditation never failed me when I needed help.  Now meditation helps me sleep better and wake up grounded in the present instead of stuck between the present and the past.  On public transportation or in crowds, a simple mediation practice helps me breathe easier and cope until I am alone again.  Throughout the day, meditation sometimes replaces my need for a nap or helps me get some physical activity (mindful walk or mindful washing dishes).

Conclusion

The next steps on my healing journey are to explore, grow with, and accept my empathic abilities and how they are influencing my current recovery practices.  I don’t know a lot about being an empath or an intuitive; what skills one might have; how to use  the skills without draining myself; or how to protect myself from sensory overload.  Before now, I couldn’t even acknowledge that my mind, spirit, body self even had these skills.

My parts and I chalked it up to having great instincts.  And suffered the mood swings, outbursts, and energy drains from certain people in shamed silence.

Now, it’s time to step out of the closet and learn.  Knowledge is power.  Power offers protection, insight, and opportunities.  Plus, maybe this will help us all integrate and align ourselves better.  And we can move forward with our goal for a second career sooner instead of later.

Thanks for reading.

I learned more about one automatic defense mechanism that needs to be addressed or disabled during my vacation.

Switching and sounding like I am talking about myself all the time when all of us in the system feel anxious and safe with a person or group.

And the accompanying feelings of shame, anxiety, panic, guilt, and loss of reality that comes with it.

Two main challenges have previously gotten in the way of disabling this mechanism:

not being able to share about having Dissociative Identity disorder

Alters unwilling to identify themselves when talking to outsiders.

Lack of awareness when this happens so that I can reflect, process in therapy, and use known coping techniques and strategies to change the behavior.

Frustration when people give advice without understanding that I know what the problem is and amnstruggling with how to resolve it.  Behavior modification or change for trauma survivors requires a different approach than for “the average person”.

The first one is less of an issue now that I moved and live in a more open culture.

The second one is not so easy to figure out.

And the third one I try to address carefully, but sometimes fall back to negative strategies that work and avoid future communications.

But at least now I have words to describe to my therapist what challenge I want to work on for the present and near future.

thanks for reading.

Another mobile post…please excuse the poor formatting.

I don’t write a lot of detail about my current family situation often out of respect for their privacy.  Some posts will contain coping challenges in general terms or about past experiences.  But often the tone and feelings are mixed.

This post comes from the perspective of being safe and loved by my father’s side of the family.

For the last ten days, I have spent a lot of time with my father’s side of the family.  Grandmother (100+), 3 aunts (seniors), and one uncle (senior) – they welcomed me into their lives, let me stay with them, spoiled me, and showed me through actions that I am safe and loved here.  In return, I tried to be a polite and respectful house guest and show them the same love.

I am not going to lie.  The adjustment was rough on all of us. It still is.  Most of their time is spent taking care of grandma; it’s stressful and difficult sometimes.   Whatever time is left, each one lives her or his own life too.

My biggest fears sort of came true. But others did not.  We walked on eggshells around each other and tried to be sensitive to the point of frustrating each other sometimes.  Other times, we fell back into old patterns without even realizing it.

Then something amazing happened.  Instead of holding grudges or getting angry, we were able to move past it and forgive or let go of the negativity.  When I got stressed and anxious into a flashback, they would help me calm down.  When one of them felt a certain way, I tried to help them.

And they all tried to get along with each other for my sake.  Something I greatly appreciate because of the strain it takes on all of them.  For my part, I tried to spend quality time with each relative one-on-one or in groups in the way that suited us both best.

In the past, we all wore masks and stayed “on” around each other.  This time, we acted like ourselves.  And got along better that way.

Communication is still iffy sometimes.  I tend to be more direct and open about my feelings. They are not.  Certain things can be said one-on-one, but are taboo in front of each other.  I screw that up a lot.

The most important part of this family visit was spending quality time with my grandma.  At 101, our time together is limited.  Instead of talking or going places, I sat with her and my relatives in her living room and occupied myself with activities while she watched game shows or slept.  Sometimes I talked with my relatives.  Mostly we did our own thing, and I tried to stay out of their way when they took care of grandma.

So while we struggle sometimes, we are doing okay.  My love of silence and solitude come naturally.  Best quiet times are when we sit together in the same room doing our own thing.  Sometimes we talk; sometimes we don’t.  Best active times are when I walked & shopped with different aunts.  Or when an aunt taught me how to hem my pants.

So I love my family.  And now I know that I am safe with them too.  So I will come back to visit when possible.  But I will not be staying with them.  Seeing me when I have to use certain coping strategies hurts them.  And they are not in a place where I can explain what they observe happening.

They accept all of it 100%, but seeing me like that reminds them what their brother/son did to me.  And their best coping strategies are denial and silence.  So it’s better to limit time with them next visit.  At least until we all can come to a place where talking about that stuff doesn’t stress them out.

thanks for reading.

I have a confession

My mind set has regressed into old patterns again.  I am back to feeling paranoid and unsafe in my own mind sometimes.  I am letting my family treat me like I was before and then stewing over it.  The stewing is triggering flashbacks and switching.  I am feeling less grounded and more like my old self before this blog.  A self that had more inner turmoil and less confidence in her/their ability to cope.

How I know this?

A good friend gave me a much needed kick in the ass today as she called me on my behavior and my thought process as verbalized in our conversations for the past 24 hours (for more on that read “Alter Post: feeling conflicted“)

What Behavior?

  • Switching alters and then talking or behaving different without awareness
    • Alters taking over are triggered and not present; could be victims still or experiencing flashbacks and speaking from that point of view
    • When this happens, the host personalities cannot take control long enough to implement coping strategies or explain that the “individual” talking is not who the other individual believes she is
    • Not being allowed to tell the person I/we are talking to that he or she is talking to the alters instead of the “usual” host personality
  • Talking about myself too much – something I do as a way to annoy other people and turn them away OR when I am switching without awareness and my alters are talking from their points of view
  • Over-apologizing – saying I am sorry for everything because I (or the alter in charge) feel shame for being myself around her
  • Making connections between ideas and experiences that could be coincidence
  • Thinking people are watching me again
  • Using therapy talk styles to understand what the problem is in conversation with my friend and not explaining in advance that what I am sharing with her is NOT how I will approach family members
  • Feeling insecure in my ability to communicate and be okay in my friend’s house so all of the topics I stored to talk with her about flew out of my mind
  • Not being assertive enough during conversations to ask her to stop interrupting me so I don’t lose my train of thought and start repeating myself
  • Allowing interruptions because the other person or persons assume they know what I am saying, but really don’t, and then moving on out of shame
    • The part of me talking knows what is happening, but can’t get the words right to verbalize with clarity and conciseness and feels unable to assert the self in conversations
    • Leads to anger, frustration, shame, and triggers
    • Leads to varying ways to display that irritation & more switching to find an alter who can verbalize what is happening

The advice & my reflections

  • Stop talking like I just left a therapy session or group session; it can annoy and turn other people way
    • Instead reframe the words into a more conversational style that gets the point across without turning the listener away – especially if it’s someone I care about
    • If I need help, call the hotline for assistance or tell the friend I am speaking with in advance what the conversation is about and why; then check in regularly to make sure we are on the same page
  • Remember that I am safe here and am not a child or a victim anymore.
  • Remember I have options to leave if necessary
  • Remember to practice self care even if that means I leave the room for privacy to do what is necessary
  • Remember we are all flawed and struggling to be polite to each other
  • Remember that my being there is as stressful on them as it is on me – we are all walking on eggshells around each other.
  • Use my grounding tools along with my physical armor – aka outfits & tattoos – to help all of us stay grounded in the present instead of switching and letting my alters use the automatic defenses.
  • When I get interrupted, stop tell the person that I have a point to what I might have repeated before and would like to finish all the way rough.
    • Ask the person not to make assumptions about what I intend to say.  Being interrupted makes me lose my train of thought and repeat myself.
  • Find a polite way to talk to my aunts about potential trips to visit me in my hometown.
  • And make sure I get some alone time.  I forgot what it was like living around them with the TV on all the time and someone always talking or playing on a mobile device.

The Honest Truth

I love and respect my aunts, uncle, and grandmother a lot.  I enjoy being here and visiting my friends and co-workers.  But I can’t wait to go back home.

Being here is too stressful and triggering.  Even though I have access to resources, I still struggle to remember to use them along with everything I’ve learned in the past year.  Especially when my alters are in charge.

What next?

Right now, many of the alters are struggling with shame for something that happened this weekend.  They have some individual processing and coping to deal with and then need to discuss what happened with the rest of the system to share support & brainstorm a strategy for future experiences.

The rest are struggling to find balance and a way to express themselves/cope/feel acknowledged around a group of people who don’t know/struggle to understand them and that they exist.  Mental Health issues aside, it’s necessary to utilize more grounding and self-soothing techniques to help us all find our balance instead of splitting off again.

Finally, all 88 of us need to have a discussion about how to explain to friends what is happening, why, and how to address the issue when alters who don’t normally talk to outsiders start taking over and talking over themselves through constant and seamless switching.

thanks for reading

 

 

**Disclaimer: all thoughts, feelings, opinions and expressions here are from the perspective of one or more alters in our system.  Not anyone else**

First post today.

We have been lax about posting.  Thursday and Friday this week were busy with family and coping with unexpected challenges.  Different parts of our system are still victims.  Others are survivors. Some are thriving instead.

But all of us are struggling with how to interact with our relatives and certain friends.  We are struggling not to fall back into old patterns.  We are struggling with automatic switching.

In the last 24 hours 15 of us switched places and talked to our friend – who we traveled to visit and stayed with as a guest – and did not tell anyone it happened.  Our host self did not even know it happened.  Since we all have the same voice as adults (and the child parts and mimic that voice too) that came to some awkward assumptions (her about our whole self) and repeated, but useful reminders and advice to deal with the current coping challenges (next post).

Our host self sounded like she was talking about herself a lot.  Very self-centered and not interested in others – absolute untruth.  She also seemed wound up and stressed out; true.  And she appeared to be back in the victim mentality based on how she tried to explain what was really going on – but we wouldn’t let her tell the friend we were hijacking her voice and sharing our fears and frustrations instead.

Our host self, who is actually okay with and able to handle the relatives well, hardly spoke to the friend.  We know this friend is safe and accepting of our past and present situation.  We could talk without fear and used it to speak our thoughts instead of asking the rest of the system for help coping with our triggers.

When our friend pointed it out today, we loosened the reins and let our host self explain a little about alter personalities, but not much.  Not the most important piece: that our friend wasn’t talking to the adult host self who is caring,  empathetic, okay with small talk, and more interested in listening to others than herself.

She knows that when the conversation gets to be a lot like therapy or the words coming out are mostly “I” statements,  then we are taking over her voice and talking.  But she doesn’t tell others.  She just lets them think that she is selfish and self centered and stuck in the past.  Or using therapy strategies for expressing feelings and setting boundaries in conversations instead of typical social conversation language.  The second option is typically used on the hotline only to help us work through an issue and find the best way to verbalize it in a conversation. But sometimes one of us will ask friends for help and then use this technique with them too.

The problem was, none of us told our host self we were doing this.  And we didn’t tell our friend either.  We just fell back into old patterns and then embarrassed our host self.

Now we have to figure out how to fix this for her and everyone else in the system.  Otherwise, it will be a very long week.

p.s. This post aas written on a smart phone, so please excuse the unusual formatting, etc.

thanks for reading.

Background

Earlier this week (Sunday to Monday), I took a red eye flight across the country to visit family and friends.  When I arrived, I got off the plane and went to work first.  4 days of work and 8 days vacation make sense so I can spend time with both families.  I didn’t anticipate many problems because I usually sleep most of the plane trip.  And I pay extra for the plane upgrades – extra space, early boarding, early advantage for carry on space – and conveniences that make  flying easier.

Main Concerns

  • Panic attack
  • Body memories
  • Physical Pain
  • Digestion/bladder/bowel issues
  • Confusion
  • Dissociation

The biggest Surprise
My alter personalities were restless and active the whole time I slept
What happened:

  • I fell asleep with my sleep headphones and a sleep mask wearing my comfy airplane outfit (knee length dress, head scarf, long sleeve wool cardigan, and sleep socks).
  • My alters came out, and I started switching in my sleep.
  • They started taking over our body and moving me around in the chair.  A Lot.
  • Then they objected to the seat belt and kept sending pain signals to my left side.
  • Later, I had to use the restroom, but they wouldn’t wake up an adult to deal with this.
  • Eventually, I had to get up and move around; used that time to visit the restroom.
  • I offered to buy us a travel blanket so we could curl up and get comfortable without exposing too much skin, but they kept saying “no”.
  • Then our body temp lowered as we relaxed into rest mode.
  • Half way through the flight, I gave up trying to sleep and just listened to music or TV instead.

The Challenge of Restless Alters on a Plane:

  • Disturbing my neighbors while they slept
  • Feeling shame and over apologizing to my seat mates
  • Anxiety over how I appear to the flight attendants and other passengers
  • The discomfort and pain of sitting in one position so long without any of the meditation techniques working to relieve the pain

The Second Biggest Surprise
Riding the bus from the airport to the office.

What Happened:

  • The bus was crowded so I had to stand in an awkward position
  • At the stop after mine, an older woman came on the bus and kept staring at or through me
  • The bus driver had to get off for about 10 minutes at the third stop; we didn’t know if he would come back or not
  • While the driver was off, the woman kept looking at me as if it was my fault.  I kept looking her in the eye, shrugging, and then looking away
  • Then an Asian girl got on the bus.  And the woman started talking to the other passengers in a strong local accent
  • The accent triggered me and made me feel so nauseous I got off early
  • The next bus was almost empty, but I ended up at work later than I wanted
  • The nausea didn’t go away until I used pressure points on my wrists; then kept coming back throughout the day

Rest of the Challenges

  • I lost my liquid items and toothpaste out of anxiety and stress
  • (forgot to take them out of my bag and then put them in again after my bag went through the machine again)
  • In Chinatown, people were extremely rude because my bald scalp showed through my head scarf
  • At lunch, I had to interact with people who were not exactly nice to me before I left
  • By lunch I was feel jet-lag and started crying in the bathroom from overwhelming feelings (good and bad)

Coping Strategies

  • Focusing on the positive
  • Acknowledging the potential triggers & negative feelings; then letting them go
  • Using grounding techniques
  • Allowing myself to feel everything
  • Giving and receiving lots of hugs
  • Getting my work done
  • Keeping in touch with my relatives
  • Asking for a ride home instead of using public transportation
  • Getting a good night’s sleep

Next on the list to research

  • Strategies for stretching and relaxing on a long flight
  • Strategies for helping my alters calm down during sleep
  • Strategies for dealing with the shame that comes from too much activity that disturbs my seat neighbors

Thanks for reading

 

 

 

Greetings from across the country!

I apologize for being late with this week’s post, but was busy getting ready for a cross country flight and then flying over night to work this morning.

After tomorrow (Tuesday), I am on vacation for the next 8 days and will be posting articles as they come to me – not just on Sundays & Wednesdays.

Starting in August, the schedule will be back to normal.

Thanks for your flexibility!

AlterXpressions