Facing Past Fears
This year, I spent 3 months living in emotionally and verbally abusive situation beyond my control. 3 months because that’s how long it took to acknowledge the truth of my situation, go through the proper steps, and find the courage to get out of the situation using legal and banking resources. The two individuals involved in this situation acted and treated me like the female figures in my past – maternal, care-taking, educational, authoritative, peers, and bullies.
Before this, in spite of all the work I’ve done to heal and trust outsiders, I’ve never really shaken the belief that I don’t deserve help from legal services, government, financial services, etc. or that asking for such help is a viable option.
The deal is done. I spoke with the attorney. He listened to my story; reviewed the documentation, and agreed to help me. Within 1 day, the letter was written, lease broken, and freedom on the horizon. The financial situation is not asa good as I want, but a bank loan will help with that. Fingers crossed that the loan goes through in time, so I can make the necessary payments.
2018 Resolutions & Goals
This year’s resolution is simple. It’s five words:
What this means…
Live, laugh, prosper in safety and good health.
Not just for me, but for my loved ones, my enemies, and others in this world.
Be vulnerable and my authentic self as often as possible
No matter how much it hurts. No matter what challenges I face. Because in finding and expressing my authentic self at all times, all parts of me integrate and work together as on whole person no matter the stress or triggers or whatever that comes my way.
Work towards improving my physical health
untangle the connection that confuse pain with any other sensation I feel when moving or active. Then maybe start biking and feel more physically confident to travel and do things. Accept and view my body in a positive way instead of a neutral way. To not automatically connect my physical body and appearance with my past and instead connect it with my present.
Feel more comfortable with being an adult female and accepting aspects of my personality related to the trauma aka sexuality
I’ve abstained from sexual contact for almost 18 years and have no desire to try it again any time soon. But I’d like to be able to acknowledge and accept my sexuality without being triggered or automatically connecting sexuality to abuse. I’d like to feel comfortable in my own body/skin, accept my appearance in a way that is body positive instead of body neutral.
What are your resolutions and goals for 2018?
Thanks for reading