Series: 2017 Reflections Part 2

Facing Past Fears

This year, I spent 3 months living in emotionally and verbally abusive situation beyond my control.  3 months because that’s how long it took to acknowledge the truth of my situation, go through the proper steps, and find the courage to get out of the situation using legal and banking resources.  The two individuals involved in this situation acted and treated me like the female figures in my past – maternal, care-taking, educational, authoritative, peers, and bullies.

Before this, in spite of all the work I’ve done to heal and trust outsiders, I’ve never really shaken the belief that I don’t deserve help from legal services, government, financial services, etc. or that asking for such help is a viable option.

The deal is done.  I spoke with the attorney.  He listened to my story; reviewed the documentation, and agreed to help me.  Within 1 day, the letter was written, lease broken, and freedom on the horizon.  The financial situation is not asa good as I want, but a bank loan will help with that.  Fingers crossed that the loan goes through in time, so I can make the necessary payments.

2018 Resolutions & Goals

This year’s resolution is simple.  It’s five words:

Gratitude

Compassion

Acceptance

Love

Forgiveness

What this means…

Live, laugh, prosper in safety and good health.
Not just for me, but for my loved ones, my enemies, and others in this world.

Be vulnerable and my authentic self as often as possible
No matter how much it hurts.  No matter what challenges I face.  Because in finding and expressing my authentic self at all times, all parts of me integrate and work together as on whole person no matter the stress or triggers or whatever that comes my way.

Work towards improving my physical health
untangle the connection that confuse pain with any other sensation I feel when moving or active.  Then maybe start biking and feel more physically confident to travel and do things.  Accept and view my body in a positive way instead of a neutral way.  To not automatically connect my physical body and appearance with my past and instead connect it with my present.

Feel more comfortable with being an adult female and accepting aspects of my personality related to the trauma aka sexuality
I’ve abstained from sexual contact for almost 18 years and have no desire to try it again any time soon.  But I’d like to be able to acknowledge and accept my sexuality without being triggered or automatically connecting sexuality to abuse.  I’d like to feel comfortable in my own body/skin, accept my appearance in a way that is body positive instead of body neutral.

What are your resolutions and goals for 2018?

Thanks for reading

Quotes & Affirmations: Choosing Love as a form of vengeance

 

This week, the OCD is really strong.  I am struggling with compulsions to be self-destructive, let shame take over, and push people away because I don’t deserve to be around good people.  Instead of being self-destructive, I chose to watch crime dramas, procedurals, and super hero shows on Netflix and Amazon Prime.  When TV & movies didn’t work, I re-read one of my favorite books about overcoming obstacles.

Here is the quote from Archangel’s Storm by Nalini Singh

“I’ll find my vengeance in living a life overflowing with happiness,” Mahiya vowed, “In drowning myself in love, not hatred.”

This quote reminds me that I have choices.  And so does anyone whose survived trauma and abuse.

Mahiya survived over 300 years living with a narcissistic father who hated the sight of her and blamed her for the fact that his wife wouldn’t forgive him for cheating on her with her twin sister.  Mahiya’s aunt was the ruler of the territory she lived in.  The aunt used her as a tool for vengeance and tortured her for fun as long as she was useful.  Then Mahiya’s father dies, and the aunt no longer has a reason to keep her alive.

If Mahiya can survive living in that kind of situation for 300 plus years, I can get through one or more nights of flashbacks & nightmares that trigger OCD.

So can anyone else as determined and courageous and resilient as Mahiya.  Because survival is one thing.  But living a life of joy & love in spite of past trauma is something else.

Thanks for reading.

Anniversaries: Do you know any centenarians?

I have one grandparent still alive.

She turns 101 today.

We spent 4 years apart because I had to walk away.  The year she turned 100, we reconnected again.

I saw her 2-3 times before I moved across the country.  She never doubted me, always believed in me, consistently loved me even if she couldn’t protect me.

Hard choices all around.  Choose one person or the whole family?  She chose the whole family, and I think I’m better for it.  After all: I got to be part of her, my aunts, my uncles, and my cousins lives then.  Still have them now.

So today, I’m feeling gratitude and love.  I’m celebrating life.  And I’m thanking the universe for both of us still being alive.

My grandmother survived marriage, war, immigration, births, deaths, children, grandchildren, and so much more.

Still, when I saw her today, she smiled and asked if I ate yet.  Then told me I’m wearing a pretty hat.

She’s 101 years old.  She still wakes up in the morning and goes to bed at night.  She uses a walker and watches her favorite TV shows during the day.

I love you Grandma.  You inspire me to keep on going, living, enjoying life.

Thanks for reading…

PTSD: How can I love the people who hurt me?

The Questions:

Quite a few people have asked me how I can love the people who hurt me so badly throughout the years.  Why don’t I hate them instead?  Don’t I feel resentment or hurt?  Don’t I feel angry?    And if I love them, why did I walk away?  Cut them out of my life?

The Answers:

Love, true love, is unconditional.  It is universal, all-encompassing, non-judgmental, compassionate, accepting, supportive, and freely given.  Love is inclusive instead of exclusive.

This kind of love is NOT the same as conditional love, romantic love, approval, or obligation.

Yes, I do feel anger, resentment, hurt, intense dislike, sometimes hate, guilt, and shame too.  But these emotions are pointed at words, thoughts, actions, reactions, choices, behaviors, and experiences; not the individual human beings.

Yes, those people made the choice to be abusive.  And maybe some of them enjoy being mean and hateful, etc., but I’m not responsible for their feelings.  All I can do is try to understand their perspectives and make choices to protect myself.

I’m learning to let go of the anger and resentment, the shame and guilt, because holding on to that negativity only hurts me in the end.

I can’t/won’t change anyone else; can’t/won’t make their choices for them; can’t/won’t be responsible for them or the consequences of those choices.

I can only make my own choices, live up to my own values, and be responsible for myself.

By doing that, I can open my heart enough to feel compassion, love, and acceptance for the people who hurt me.  And I can give them another chance to see if we can have a positive relationship as the people we are now.

The Why’s:

Every person has a story.  Every person has been through experiences (nurture/nature) that shaped who he was and who he is now.  Some of those experiences were her choices; others were not her choice.  Each experience, and how the person coped, influenced the person he or she is now and how that individual interacts with others.

The people who hurt me chose to treat me and talk to me that way.  I hold them responsible for their choices even as I can understand why.  That DOES NOT mean I have to spend time around people who chose to act and be abusive and hurtful to themselves and others.

So, as much as I love my family and feel a universal love toward the others, I still hold them responsible for what they said and did.  I forgive them without forgetting.  And I set my boundaries to protect myself even as I pray that someday they will stop hurting themselves and others.

Religious?  Spiritual?  Or something else?

I don’t know.  The religion I learned as a child taught me to fear and hate God, men, women, and life equally.  This life was advance payment for a glorious afterlife (if I was a man) or a lifetime of servitude without abuse (if I was a woman).  And maybe that’s not really what being a Mormon is about, but those are the lessons I learned.

These days, I choose to believe in a universal force/spirit/energy that works with nature to provide what’s needed.  Nature or nurture.  Science or religion or magic.  In my mind, all of these are different sides of the same coin.

Is saying “I love you” to people not family foolish?

No.  I’ve said those words to many people who are not family or close friends and meant them.  Those people may have brushed off the words or responded with condescension, thinking I’m naive and sappy, but I’d rather live in a world with love, compassion, empathy, resilience, and courage than one without those traits.

Conclusion

So I will keep on saying “thank you”, “I appreciate…”, “I love you”, “I apologize…”, “I’m sorry…”, “how can I help”, “no”, “not right now”, “I don’t know”, “Please respect my…” to people.  I will keep on treating them the way I want to be treated.  I will bounce back from the pain.  I will give second chances, but not third ones.  I will continue living life on my terms and cultivate friendships with like-minded people while accepting those with different mind-sets.

Thanks for reading