Archives for posts with tag: sleep

I don’t know about any of you, but sometimes I wonder whether or not “doing nothing” is a contradiction.

Because choosing not to do anything is doing something.

Even when I am not moving, active, or working on a physical task, my mind is still working.  My senses are working.  Something is occurring.

Plus, being tired slows a person down, correct?
Eventually, “slowing down” becomes “stopping”.

In  this case or situation, does “stopping” mean “relax” or “rest”?
For me, yes.  For others, maybe.


Even if I am not doing anything (aka doing nothing), my body is doing something

My body is digesting food, healing itself on the inside, circulating blood, breathing, and providing energy for future use.


Sometimes, but not always, DOING NOTHING is actually DOING SOMETHING.  You don’t have to see or hear or smell or taste or touch what’s happening for it to be real.  You don’t have to believe or have faith or approve of these opinions.

You can accept that sometimes more happens when a person stops and takes a moment to exist than in all of the minutes, hours, etc. spent being busy.

Reflection Questions circling my mind

What is Self Care other than doing something that helps you feel good about yourself or take care of yourself?

How would being busy all the time help people feel good about or take care of themselves?

Finally, how can anyone really help and take care of other people if she or he does not take care of herself or himself first?

Thanks for reading.


Anniversaries & Holidays (no special order)

  • Rape begets an unwanted pregnancy
  • Parents find out about pregnancy
  • Live somewhere else for a few months
  • School??? memory blank
  • Hair grows back / body starts changing; new/different sensations
  • Women’s History month
  • Good Friday
  • St. Patrick’s Day
  • Passover
  • Daylight Savings change
  • Spring Equinox

Normally, I spend February through beginning of May in a state of partial dissociation.  I am functional, but not aware of anything long term.

This year is different.

Yesterday was hard.

Felt like the world tumbled down on me and time stood still.

I can’t remember what happened.  I think I worked.  I am pretty sure I ate something.  Beyond that, no idea.

It happens.  And I am grateful that the lost time occurs less often every year.

One day is better than one week.  One week better than one month.  And so on.

This month is the month I found out I was pregnant 20 years ago.  Not the month I conceived, but the month I discovered I was pregnant.  The month my parents discovered the pregnancy too.

Something else happened.  Something that affected my sinuses and ear-nose-throat area.

How do I know?

The Body Memories are active in 2 specific areas this time of year

  • My face/neck/throat area
  • My abdominal area

Makes sleeping and moving interesting for sure.  The nightmares keep me awake.  My body relives the sensations from being pregnant along with whatever else happened then.

I am stuck living in 2 time periods with the urge to sleep all day and stay up all night.

I am homebound when the disorientation gets really bad…I get lost in my own apartment building.

On the good side…

I’ve only lost one day so far.

The pain has gone down from 10+ to about 3.5 on an average day.

And, in spite of the memories confusing me, I can go out for short periods of time without getting disoriented.

Coping Strategies

The usual tool box exists.  My ability to access said toolbox depends on how disoriented I am on the inside.

What seems to help the most right now:

  • Children’s movies
  • murder mysteries
  • Fantasy and Science fiction books
  • Aromatherapy diffuser with Eucalyptus Globulus essential oil
  • Gratitude practice
  • Eating more nuts and fruit, less animal products
  • Letting myself relax instead of sleep

How do you cope with something that feels new and different while still being grounded in the present?

Thanks for reading

I planned to write a follow up post about coping strategies for air travel when everything goes wrong.  That ways my Thursday/Friday experience traveling home.

But I’m too tired.  My body and brain ned to decompress before the work week starts up on Monday.  After crossing 3 time zones in 1 day and being awake for about 40 hours straight (including airplane naps), every part of me just wants to rest.  Our sleep deficit has not been this bad since before moving here.

Happy Sunday to anyone in the Northern Hemisphere.  Happy Monday to anyone in the Southern Hemisphere.

May you all take time for sleep& self care today also.

Thanks for reading.

In terms of life, this week sucked.  Flashbacks, panic attacks, nightmares, more spider bites, and unexpected costs of flight/hotel to go visit family just made me miserable.  On top of  that, I’m still mostly unpacked, feeling low energy, and having noise/heat issues again.  Still, these heat and noise issues are nowhere near as bad as as the last place.

Did I mention the smoker who breaks the rules and smokes pot in the building?  No?  All I can say is that I can’t wait to start blending and diffusing essential oils in my place again.

But all the small stuff adds up, accumulates until my mind is overwhelmed and unable to cope with normal stuff.

So, back to basics.  Stay home.  Sleep as much as possible.  Set small goals.  Ask for help.  Act on the help.  Use every known coping strategy or technique available.  Then use them again.  Set a goal.  Conserve energy.  Accomplish the goal.

This week’s goal: set up my new bed frame and sleep on it.

With Ikea bed frames, it helps to also be creative, resilient, and resourceful – all characteristics trauma survivors learn in order to cope with the craziness.  Here’s an example of my resourcefulness:

Headboard to frame...

Cushions prop up the frame so one person can attach the headboard without help

Now, it’s Sunday night in the US, possibly edging into Monday morning depending on your time zone.  And in spite of some misgivings and one wobbly bit, I now have a bed frame put together.  Yay!  A real bed to sleep on.  With my new peanuts blanket and favorites sheets.  Fresh pillow cases to lie on too.

And here is the finished bed:

New bed

Bed first, the rest comes later 🙂

Hope the spiders don’t follow me in there.

And for anyone else struggling for whatever reasons, please remember that you got through it once before.  It was hard then; it’s hard now.  But you’ll get through this time too.

Thanks for reading!

HAPPY HOLIDAY WEEKEND to everyone who celebrates a holiday this season.  Holiday season because so many people celebrate Solstice, Christmas, Hanukkah, etc. during this time of year.  I am thankful for all of the many people who have passed through my life this year.  Thank you for being part of this blog.


This year was a year of renewing connections.  Scary as it is and was, I’ve started to let more family back into my life.  Some have stayed, some have left again.  In the end, the ones who stayed truly want to be involved and work out a new relationship.  The others are happy to know I exist and go on with their lives.

Yesterday, I was in California visiting family for the day.  It was a great relief from the living situation issues occurring right now.  Except the owner interrupted our day because she couldn’t get in for the inspection; also my smoke alarm was beeping.  An inspection that she gave notice of the day before, so my evening was spent cleaning and documenting the apartment instead of relaxing before the visit.

And of course, when I left everything was quiet.  Coming home, the flight was delayed; I got home close to midnight.  The apartment cold because I turned off the heat for the day.  The neighbor complaining because I turned up the heat to warm it up; then turned it down once the apartment felt less cold.  And a smoke alarm chirping because the battery was dying.

But today, my goals changed.  I was so tired from traveling and other stuff that I slept until late afternoon today.  Then went out in the snow for a quick trip to the grocery store, lunch, and batteries.  Batteries to fix the beeping smoke alarm.  Lunch because I didn’t feel like cooking after I woke up.  Groceries to complete what I missed for Christmas dinner tomorrow.

The apartment is still freezing cold, but that’s not going to stop me from enjoying today and tomorrow.  Besides cooking will help warm up the place :).


The owner gave notice of an apartment inspection earlier this week and entered yesterday while I was out.  For safety measures, I took photos of the place after cleaning it up.  So here are a few photos of my first, official, decorated home.  Enjoy!


I am almost at my wit’s end with this living situation.  Dealing with the upstairs neighbor and the owner is so triggering that I am back in survival mode right now.  It’s snowing this Christmas.  Unusual for my new city home, but welcome too.  The cold has me shivering even inside, but extra layers help a lot.  And not having to play with the heat sort of, maybe reduces some triggers.

The neighbor reminds me of the bullies I encountered in school and how helpless I was to fight back and feel safe.  The owner reminds me of the emotionally abusive, shaming, manipulative female care-takers from childhood and adolescence.  They controlled everything about my living situation and never let me feel safe or secure wherever I happened to be.

Home doesn’t always feel safe with the intermittent noise and heat changes.  REM sleep is rare these days too.  Hallucinations have started up again.  If the visual hallucinations become auditory ones, I’ll be visiting the ER.  (fingers crossed that doesn’t happen).  Anxiety and hyper-vigilance are increasing.  Paranoia and feeling crazy are close companions.  In my present mind, I know that I’m not being paranoid and that I’m not crazy.  But that doesn’t stop the feelings.


On the good side, there are only 4 days left until my meeting with the attorney.  Then there will be some progress and less feelings of frustration or helplessness.  Between now and then, all I have to do is keep my head down, enjoy vacation, and survive.  All of this designed to keep me out of the apartment and in a happy state of mind.

Thanks for reading!

I admit it. I am exhausted.  My alters are exhausted.  The living situation hasn’t improved much.  And any time I try to sleep early, the upstairs neighbor goes on a rampage with the excuse that I am stealing heat.

Coping Challenges:

  • Triggers from having loud noises above my head going off at random times throughout the night
  • Stomping and items being dropped from above sound startling to someone sleeping
  • The murmur of voices also is triggering as I don’t know what’s being said, but I know something is and it’s probably about me

Strategies I’ve used to combat this:

  • Sleep headphones – mildly effective, but very comfortable to wear in spite of the headband being too big
  • A bag of crystals under my pillow – soothing but not sure how effective
  • A favorite playlist – moderately effective with the correct headset
  • Continuous nature sounds – most effective with either kind of headset because the sound is continuous
  • my over-ear noise cancelling headphones – very effective but uncomfortable to sleep in
  • A new wool blanket – moderately effective as it keeps me warm when I give in and turn the heat in my apartment down to stop the noise
  • A new down comforter – very effective as it + wool blanket keeps me warm in spite of chilly temps
  • Affirmations to keep my heartbeat steady

So why didn’t I call the police like I planned to if this happened again?

Because I was was exhausted and fell asleep early.  When that tired, not much can wake me up.  A lot can disturb me and sort of wake me up.  But not much can wake me enough to be fully alert.  Only the alters who stayed awake were triggered by what happened.  And only when they were awake because they were tired too.

And none of us really noticed the noise until early this morning when we were ready to wake up.  Yes, we feel bad for the other neighbors who have to listen to the noise, but since no one has tried to knock on our door or talk it out, not much any of us can or will do.  In order for upstairs to be happy, I have to turn off my heat and only sleep at certain times.

Plus calling the police is scary.  I’ve never done it here, but where I used to live it caused problems.

Call the attorney; pay the fee to get out

Yes, I am contacting an attorney sooner instead of later.  But that in itself is also scary and triggering.  So, this weekend probably will be the soonest unless the majority decides otherwise.

Good News

My alters and I did get some decent sleep.  We also cried and laughed and remembered and let go of old stuff.  All in all, it was a decent night.

And now that I am awake, upstairs has quieted down.  My heat settings have not changed.  And I am up early enough to get some other stuff done before starting work.


I apologize for the late post.  It couldn’t be helped.  After work, I set up the slow cooker and then fell into bed only waking up when nature called.

The exhaustion is from a combination of stuff going on right now.  It’s like in earlier posts when I described being awake for so many hours working, living, commuting, until my body gave out and I slept.

Sleep, when one can get it, is one of the best and most healing coping strategies available.  For anyone who is struggling with anxiety, depression or just plain old stress, I recommend finding ways to get more rest and sleep.

Thanks for reading my complaints and rambling today.


Child to mid-twenties

Thanksgiving used to be celebrated 3x every year over the course of 2-3 days: once at my parents’ home with certain family members; once with my father’s side of the family; once with my mother’s side of the family.  There were tables full of food; children, teens, and adults everywhere; noise levels similar to stadium concerts (at least from my perspective) with so many people and televisions on loud; and secrets.  So many secrets and people sneaking off for minutes or hours at a time.

By the time I was in college, Thanksgiving was celebrated 2x every year with less and less family/friends and lots of tension.  Most of us were grown and had other places to be.  The next generation of children were second or third cousins removed on my mother’s side, and I was disconnected to them.  On my father’s side, people cooked while others watched tv or read books (me) and ignored or were ignored by everyone else.  Then my younger cousins and brother scattered to be with their friends while my parents kept me isolated and ignored.

You may be wondering why or how they managed that.  Part of it was me – I isolated myself and chose not to make friends or trust people at that time.  Part of it was them limiting access to my car – they always blocked me in and parked their cars in front of the driveway so I’d have to move their cars to get out.  And I did not want to drive their cars.  Asking them to move the cars was like banging my head against a brick wall.

Mid-twenties to early thirties

Then I walked away from my family.

Holidays became something different.

For the first time in my life, I could celebrate any way I wanted.  I could sleep through the day.  I could be alone.  I could cook or not cook.  I could decorate or not decorate.

Bottom line: I had choices.
And for a long time, I chose not to celebrate.  Instead, I let my alters out to play on those days.  Together, we worked through the scary memories, anxiety, anger, shame, and negative experiences associated with those anniversaries.  We stayed inside; read books; watched movies; slept; and took care of ourselves.

Thanksgiving 2017

My favorite foods of Thanksgiving:
Butternut Squash or Yams

After everything that happened over the last few weeks, buying pre-made food to reheat made more sense than cooking from scratch.  Cooking from scratch triggered memories, but re-heating didn’t.

Text messages kept me in touch with close friends and family while keeping me safe from the toxic people.

Instead of sleeping through the day, I put together part of my sofa.  By part, I mean the sofa is in use, but the sectional and sleeper parts still need to be put together.  By the time I finished the main sofa and realized the rest had to wait, my muscles were saying “we’re done.  No more please.”   But the rest of me felt happy and accomplished.

So happy, in fact, that we slept on the sofa that night.  It’s surprisingly comfortable.  In spite of the muscle discomfort and stress from the upstairs neighbor’s musicals, putting together the sofa brought out feelings of accomplishment, joy, and contentment – aka endorphins.   Not even phone calls with my family and flashbacks could get me down.


Maybe it’s petty of me, but I also felt grateful that having a secondary place to sleep pissed off my upstairs neighbor.  She couldn’t disturb my sleep because I wasn’t using my bed.  Therefore, her musical of dropping stuff on the floor above my head didn’t work.  It was the first night in a while that I managed to sleep undisturbed and wake up on my own time.

But then I was also grateful her musical dropping of stuff on the floor woke me up the next day.  It was early enough that I had time to call Ikea, get my replacement parts for the sofa sectional, then go out to visit friends and see a movie.  It was Black Friday, and I was afraid that going to a mall would make things worse.  Instead, it was cathartic.  I felt calm, relaxed, and grounded inside myself.  The movie was good too, but I’m still not a Thor fan.  And I really need to put together a magic bag for crowded movie  theaters.

The musicals still occur just after I settle for bed and randomly throughout the day, but the sleep headphones and a favorite playlist make it all tolerable.

Mostly, I am grateful to have enjoyed Thanksgiving awake and grounded in the present instead of dissociated, hyper-vigilant, and upset.


I am still a solitary person who prefers alone time instead of crowds.  After so many years of being alone and/or lonely in a crowd of people, celebrating alone without any obligations feels good.  Maybe someday the other people in my life will understand that being physically alone does not equal being unconnected to my loved ones.

Relationships, connections, and interactions come in many forms.   And my heart, my mind, my spirit is always open to them even if my physical self shuns sharing space with others.  I keep all of these people and places in my heart and my mind during the holidays, so they are always with me.

Thanksgiving and similar holidays used to anger me, all parts of me.  I could honestly say that I hated the holidays and mean it.  But that hate gradually changed as different parts of me opened up to the rest of us.  We shared our pain, our grief, our fear, and our shame.  Then we learned how to cope with those feelings and associated memories with lots of help and support from outside people.

So thank you guests, family of choice, mental health providers past & present, family of blood, and other providers past & present who’ve helped me get to a place where holidays are fun instead of stressful.

Thanks for reading.

Not much to write in this post.

I’ve been going slow this weekend.  The pain is intense, and being kind to myself is most important right now.

A lot of times, I can sleep or rest and reflect – that allows everyone in the system to share and help each other safely – but other times I need to move.

This weekend was a “move” weekend in spite of the intense back pain (body memories) and associated grief – more on that in another post.  Plus I had to start packing for my trip and my move.

So I turned cleaning, de-cluttering, and packing into reflective moving meditation exercises.  And got more than I expected accomplished.

Then I took today to clean my kitchen (dread….) and organize my place for a showing.

Finally, I took a nap.

Now I can relax knowing this post is finished – all my obligations met – and I’m prepared to continue working and packing during the week.

Thanks for reading.

A quick post today.  You can find these links on the Resources page too.

I’ve been looking into different types of headphones for sleeping since I like to fall asleep listening to nature sounds, music, meditation recordings, or audio books.  The headphones help block out street and neighbor noises that wake me up at night.

Traditional headphones are not comfortable for sleeping.  The traditional styles are too bulky for side sleepers.  The wireless options need to be re-charged often.  And the wired options could be a choking hazard.

I thought maybe wireless exercise headphones might work, but the style I chose had many of the same issues listed above.  And the blue tooth is not reliable in my sleeping space.

Instead of continuing a search for wireless headphones, noise cancelling headphones or exercise headphones, I searched for headphones for sleeping and meditation.  That brought up two interesting articles.

This article reviews several styles of headphones, ear plugs, and combination headphone/face masks.

This article reviews headphones only.

I chose the CozyPhones Sleep Headphones; it’s #2 on both lists.  I’ve been using it for 2 nights so far and like it a lot.  With the sound on medium and my windows open at night, the headphones do reduce the noise.  And if the headband slides, I lose sound.  Otherwise, the headband is comfortable, and the sound quality is decent.  And the headband comes in many colors.

If you decide to try sleep headphones, please let me know how they work for you.

Thanks for reading

Spring triggers

End of April brings out my “allergies” and many head colds.  My sleeping patterns and eating habits change too.  Beginning of May equals many family birthdays and Mother’s Day combined with Memorial Day and end of spring semester in college.  Dissociation is common.  Nightmares get worse.  The usual stuff.

Here, though, the sun rises around 7:00 AM and sets around 8:00 PM.  I can sleep late on weekends and still have plenty of time to go out for a walk in the sun.  Taking the trash and recycling out feels like less of a chore and more of a task on my to-do list.  With the weather in the high 40s or 50s (Fahrenheit), my big window can stay open while my loft remains warm and cozy.  Love fresh air.

A new pillow

Pillows have been a burden for many years.  Between chemical sensitivities and night sweats, I have yet to find a pillow that lasts more than a year or two.  Even the wool-filled ones from the last few years flattened out and stopped being supportive.  It’s hard to get comfortable and stay asleep, especially when the night sweats manifest.

But this weekend I found a new alternative.  There’s a local store that specializes in chemical free, natural & home furniture and bedding.   Last night, I slept easier and longer than I have in a while.  Not exactly nightmare free, but also not a night filled with bad dreams and sweat waking me up.  I hope investing in a new pillow continues to help with my sleep hygiene.


Knitting is something I and my alters enjoy, but can also be triggering.  It’s also physically intensive and can be calming with repetitive action.  But this weekend, I feel happy, calm, proud, and accomplished.  My first infinity scarf is almost finished.  My arms and shoulders got some decent exercise, and no triggering this time.  It was a great distraction from my other discomfort and worry because still not feeling hungry or eating like I’m supposed to.

Walking – exercise & moving meditation

After some self massage and lying down meditation this morning, I felt good enough to do some apartment cleaning.  Picked up trash, collected recycling, and did some vacuuming.  Still have some laundry sorting to do, but that can wait a bit longer.  By treating these tasks as a moving meditation, I calmed down enough to go outside for a short walk and get a real meal at the grocery store.

That gave me a chance to check out new store products, eat outside, and enjoy the fresh air while thinking about what kinds of food and drinks to put together this week.  Being outside felt good and helped me feel better about myself.  Getting out the door isn’t easy this time of year, so any advantage to help me leave the building is welcome.


Sometimes changing seasons can affect mood and triggers.  Many people ask me if lack of sunlight or changing seasons increases my chance of depression.  The short answer is no.  The long answer is, not depression but my anxiety and hyper-vigilance get triggered.  I start to fear going outside and interacting with the world while also feeling angry with myself because I want to be outside enjoying the spring weather.

These coping strategies are hit or miss, but ones I love to put into practice as often as possible.  My young alter personalities enjoy the knitting as much as the teens and adults.  The moving meditation helps all of us relax and connect mind/body/spirit while also getting chores done.  Replaces scary or negative experiences with positive ones.  Finally, anything that helps us all sleep better is worth saving up the money to purchase and use.

I and my alters hope these examples might help you find a way to cope with unexpected triggers or seasonal changes too.

Thanks for reading.